2016 has been a fairly tragic and strange year to say the least. No matter which side of the media divide a person resides, people are still shooting each other, the presidency is up for reelection with the options of two living caricatures, and to top it off - I have been looking into the housing market. Needless to say, this was the year I decided I wanted to be a humpback whale.

It started when I was watching a video posted by PlayGround+ on Facebook. It showed the idea that humpback whales were altruistic. For example, they save other animals - such as sea lions - from the prey of orcas. As I watched, I came to realize, that I too, a twenty-one year old female, wanted to be a gargantuanly humpback whale.

1. Altruistic. No Duh - It Was Stated In My Thesis

With the current media war - police vs people, CAN WE ALL PLEASE STOP FUCKING SHOOTING AND KILLING EACH OTHER!? In the video posted by PlayGround+, humpback whales were analyzed to save smaller animals from the hunt of orca whales. One expert even viewed a whale allowing a sea lion to ride on its fin as it swam away from its attacker.

I would love to live in this altruistic society and be a good person simply because I chose to. Not because a patriarchal, or matriarchal, figure is saying, “DO AS I SAY OR I WILL SPANK YOU IN THE AFTER LIFE."

2. No Need To Ever Get Out Of The Water

I love swimming. If I was a humpback whale I could stay in to ocean forever. Essentially, I would "neverhave to get out of the pool." I could dive down as far as I wanted. I could finally see what the hell is at the bottom of the Mariana Trench due to my increased ability to hold my breath for roughly thirty five minutes, according to scientists at the Center for Coastal Studies. Maybe I would meet a mermaid and be their taxi service - once the orcas stopped chasing me for sea lions that is.

3. Say Goodbye To The Bikini

Many people are aware of the positive body movement. Hell, Christina Aguilera was waayyy ahead of the game telling everyone to “Love Your Body.” I could flop around, dance, and sing all day. I would jam out in my little humpback whale pod. We would dance and croon all day without even the littlest hint of self consciousness.

4. No One Discriminates Against Whales

When is the last time you met someone who said, “Ugh, bro - whales? Man, I hate those ocean dwelling pieces of blubber.” With the exception of Captain Ahab, and possibly Ishmael, I have never met someone with a personal vendetta against the sea mammals. Hell, people pay hundreds of dollars to drive or fly to a bone chillingly cold location, get on a rickety shady boat, and stand there shivering - making small talk with the strange couple from Quebec... just to see me (aka humpback whale) do a belly flop and sing an off key verse of “Footloose.” And if I did not feel like it that day, it would not be my fault because “you can’t control wild animals.”

5. Would Be So Freaking Tall!!

With the exception of a blue whale and possibly a plesiosaur (i.e. Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster), I would never have to be worried about fleeing from my predators. Humans are kind of finicky creatures. With fictional characters such as Hannibal Lecter, to reality with Jeffrey Dahmer, I hardly consider myself to be the “top of the food chain.” As a whale, unless it’s an animal bigger than me (i.e. Nessie again or a pod of ravenous megalodon sharks), I would be solid.

6. MIGALOO!!!!

I could meet Migaloo - the albino humpback whale. I have always wanted to view this rarity who lives off the coast of Australia. Now, without having to ever get on a flying deathtrap again (that’s a plane for anyone who missed it.), I could swim from the Pacific Ocean or possibly the Indian Ocean (depending where he is located that day) and high-five that awesome albino motherfucker. If I was lucky, I would hop over the the Great Barrier Reef to meet Dory and Nemo. I could teach them how to speak whale!

I don't mind people. I typically like most I meet. However, I have come to the distinct conclusion - if everyone cannot learn to be a little nicer to each other, then screw this bullshit. I'll be dancing and singing in a pod with Migaloo and Dory if bitches need me.