Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Donald Trump has announced his plan to ban all marriage once elected president. Speculators think this was the result of both Democratic presidential candidates, along with the current President, and several other people of less importance, criticizing Trump’s own marriage record on multiple occasions. “I think we can all recognize that I have been with many, many women,” Trump recollected. “And while that was all fine and dandy, I’ve come to the conclusion that long-term commitments may be the root of all of this country’s problems.”
So far, Trump has linked 36 major issues back to marriage, although he refuses to disclose what any of these issues actually are. “All problems start with commitment,” he commented. “If we don’t commit to something, we don’t need to clean up after its failure. Which is why I’m making this promise now, to end all marriage once and for all!”
Trump projects that the “War on Marriage” will increase the nation’s morale by at least 500 percent, and completely eliminate the national debt. He also stated that if global warming really existed, banning marriage would repair the ozone layer and stabilize the Earth’s climate. “Don’t ask me how it’ll happen,” he responded when asked how any of that would happen. “That’s just your doubt speaking.”
With the support of his ex-wife, his other ex-wife, and his current wife, Trump is more driven to become president now than ever before. “He finally feels like he found an issue that he’s passionate about,” Melania Trump, or wife number three, gushed. “I haven’t seen him this happy since he decided to make Mexicans build a wall to keep themselves out of America.”
With rising support from the Republican party, the War on Marriage is beginning to switch from just an idea to a possible reality. Other Republican candidates have been announcing their support for the plan. Ben Carson was even spotted yesterday at an anti-marriage rally, holding his wife’s hand in one hand and a “Say No to Commitment” sign in the other.
Infuriated by the Trump campaign’s newfound support, Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders spoke out against Trump’s idea the other night. “We worked way too hard to legalize gay marriage to have it all go to waste,” he said.
Instead, Sanders promised to ban all straight marriage. “Are people even still straight, anymore?” Sanders asked, rallying up an army of college-age liberals as a following. “The concept of a man marrying a woman is all but obsolete at this point.”
