The time has almost come for Donald Trump to be officially inaugurated as the president of the United States of America, a sentence that if someone told me I’d be writing a year ago, I’d have laughed until I threw up and then lit my own face on fire. Because we have given him the power to be our president, and thus given him control over all major decisions for our country's future, Trump has been fulfilling his presidential duties by creating his cabinet and thankfully nominating known racists and climate-change deniers to crucial positions. Now, Trump has gone a step further by expanding his cabinet and creating new positions. Let’s check out some of those positions, and who’s filling them, below:
Secretary of Nut Allergy Control: Peanut Butter Baby
The president elect has appointed the Peanut Butter Baby—that’s right, a baby literally covered in peanut butter—as the head of the Nut Allergy Control Department. It’s not entirely clear how Trump got into contact with Peanut Butter Baby, or if an actual baby is qualified to run any department of government, but one thing is certain: this baby is absolutely filthy with peanut butter.
Secretary of Realistic Plot Lines: Lifetime Movie Network
In an unprecedented move, Trump has elected an entire movie network, specifically Lifetime, to run the Department of Realistic Plot Lines. This department specializes in generating movies with believable plot lines, including movies about nannies who try to kill wives and marry their husbands, movies about neighbors who try to kill wives and marry their husbands, and movies about wives who try to kill wives and marry their husbands.
Secretary of Extremely Low-Key and Non-Violent Ex Husbands: O.J. Simpson
O.J. Simpson is well-known for being a football star, but what a lot of people don’t know is that he was tried (and found not guilty!) for the murder of his ex-wife Nicole Brown and her friend Ron Goldman. O.J. definitely did not stab them over a million times each, making him a great choice for the head of the Extremely Low-Key and Non-Violent Ex Husbands Department.
Secretary of Not-Unbearable-Canadian-Teen-Girls: Liberty from Degrassi
This one might break some rules about appointing non-American citizens to the cabinet, but we don’t give a hoot—Liberty from Degrassi is the world’s coolest, most bearable Canadian teen girl, and that’s why Trump couldn’t have picked a more qualified candidate to head the Department of Not-Unbearble-Canadian-Teen-Girls! Liberty is never too pouty, too boring, too lame, or too straight up rude for us!
Secretary of Saying I’m Fine, and Actually Meaning It: Your girlfriend, making this face right now:
If you can’t trust your girlfriend, making that face right now, telling you she’s fine, then who can you trust? She means it, she really does!
Secretary of Having Two Good Eyes and Two Good Legs: The classic depiction of a pirate
If one thing is important to the state of our nation, it’s this new department. It’s imperative that some people have two good eyes and two good legs, which is basically exactly what this classic depiction of a pirate has.
Secretary of Good Sportsmanship: The 12-year-old you’re playing Call of Duty with, who keeps asserting he slept with your mom last night
Ok, nice!
Go America!
