I wake up in the morning checking my phone as soon as my alarm clock goes off. I have to set my alarm at least 20 minutes earlier than I used to so I can check Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat. I groggily watch as other people's lives drift by in front of my eyes while I scroll, click and like. I check how many likes I got on profile pictures, and Instagram photos, how many views I got on my snap story.
He didn't like my picture. She didn't view my story. I was left on read.
So i begin to freak out. Did they like the other pictures I've posted in the past three days? Have they not been active? Did I do something? Are they mad at me?
Am I ugly?
It's 7:30 am, and I have class in an hour. I'm not moving from my bed anytime soon though. Because I have lost the approval of those who made me who I am. The approval that I have strived for and tried for. Minutes pass before I decide that it's probably just a fluke, but tomorrow it will be someone else.
As the weekend begins on a Thursday night we take picture after picture. Different poses, different combinations, different backgrounds.
This lighting is terrible.
You weren't smiling.
Ugh, I look fat let's try again.
Wait, think of something cute.
Pretend to laugh.
No matter how the night ends though, whether it's with tear stained cheeks or garbage plate filled stomachs, that part won't be documented (well the garbage plate might be on my snap story). So when I scroll through tomorrow, & I see that other people did the same thing I did, but their smiles are bigger, they look fitter, I can wonder to myself, "Am I doing college wrong?"
My degree means nothing if I didn't have a "good time" getting it. Four years were wasted if every night I stayed up until 6 am was studying and not wandering the streets of this college town. I don't remember Math 341 but I do remember when a guy called me fat in the dining hall. I do remember when my friend pushed me in the door of someone else's room and I landed on a strangers carpet.
Am I doing college right?