The Disciplined Child: Punishment Or Abuse?

The Disciplined Child: Punishment Or Abuse?

April is Child Abuse Awareness Month, and this is my story to bring awareness
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Defiant, difficult, hyper, restless. Angry, outspoken, talkative, energetic. Impatient, sarcastic, loud, mischievous.

My teachers called me bright, but disruptive and easily distracted.

My brothers gave me the nickname “Evil”.

My mama said she knew from the second I was born that I was her wild child.

My dad would tell me I was a smartass, to which I would reply, “At least I’m not a dumbass.”

I wasn’t an easy child in any way. I was born with unexplainable anger and energy, and these feelings, combined with a will to do things not just my own way, but on my own, often left me in trouble. And it was apparent to everyone that I was the type of kid that needed a good spanking or whipping. My siblings rarely needed even a spanking. Just being yelled at and grounded was enough.

My dad would always ask, “Why can’t you act like your brothers?” I knew I’d pushed it too far when he would compare me to my older sister. Hearing him say things like “I don’t understand why you do these things. Your sister never acted like this” could set me straight for a bit, but all of those uncontrollable feelings were just that-something I could try to get a handle on, but it just made my inevitable outbursts that much worse.

But something would happen after those punishments with a belt or switch. It felt almost like a cathartic release. I wasn’t as angry. I was calm, sometimes even tired. As an adult, I can understand these feelings, and I now know that I need physical exertion to get rid of the energy that turns into frustration, that manifests into anger, that ends in trouble.

Looking back, I have the knowledge neither my parents or I had, even after I was diagnosed with A.D.H.D at eight. Every kid is different in their response to being reprimanded or being punished. Sometimes all it takes is a strong voice to make them cry, or a timeout, or grounding them and taking something away. But there are some of us that are wired to react in a drastically different way, and in the wrong hands, you will break us and create a cycle that will forever keep us hostage.

I remember the first time I was punished with a belt. I was four, and my brother and I were sharing a room. This alone made bedtime a challenge for everyone involved. One particular night we were extra full of ourselves and hours after our bedtime we were singing that song “Mellow Yellow” at the top of our lungs.

We’d get as far as, “They call me mellow yellow”, before falling apart with laughter. We knew we were in for it when instead of hearing our dad yell at us, we heard him coming up the stairs. I was closest to the door so I knew I’d be getting spanked first. I grabbed the books on my nightstand and put them under the covers over my legs and butt.

I thought I was so clever for about three seconds. My dad went to spank me, hit the books instead, and the next thing I knew I had a welt on the back of each leg in the shape of a line instead of a hand.

I remember the first time I was beaten with a belt. It wasn’t long after the Mellow Yellow incident. I can’t remember what led to it, or why it happened. I do remember with perfect clarity that the person whipping that belt was not my father. My brothers and I were just getting to that age where you start to understand certain things about your parents. And we were beginning to recognize that our father could turn on a dime and be the reason you couldn’t move the next day.

And that it didn’t matter how quiet you kept, how well behaved you were, or how invisible you made yourself-you weren’t safe. It didn’t matter if you deserved a punishment, you were getting more than that. And from an extremely young age, I knew when I was being punished, and I knew when I didn’t deserve what was happening to me. I knew the difference.

I can’t speak for others who have lived this way, but having this knowledge was no comfort at all. Sometimes it would keep me from getting a longer beating, and I would tell myself that calmer I was, the faster it would be over. Other times, it was like gasoline on my anger.

It didn’t matter I was a tiny seven-year-old, I would scream and yell things at my dad, kick him and fight back, even though it only took seconds for him to overpower me, and made the beating worse. In some twisted way, knowing I could make him that much angrier than he already was made me feel powerful, and gave me a small sense of satisfaction.

April is the month of Child Abuse Awareness.

There are over 3 million reports of child abuse in the U.S. every year. My brothers and I were a part of that statistic on more than one occasion, yet we were never removed from our home permanently. We had “extended stays” with friends and relatives until things were “cleared up”. And every single time, we would come home and things would go back to normal. As we got older, normal went from a few months to a few weeks, until the line was no longer visible.

As we got older, we knew the right answers to give, the right way to act, and the right clothes to wear to convince CPS, teachers, neighbors, school counselors, and therapists that we were safe. Even though we weren’t, we understood the consequences of what would happen if our dad was ever actually taken in for the things he did to his family. And it wouldn’t be pretty.

Here’s what you need to understand about abuse: each abuser is different. Some are smarter than others, some have certain advantages, and some know how to play the game. For our father, it was all of these. As a retired State Trooper and a Vietnam Veteran, all he had to do was mention his services and he could walk away with a slap on the wrist.

He claimed PTSD was the reason for his latest “outburst” and that he couldn’t remember anything he did to us, despite the evidence on each of our bodies. Yes, he did have PTSD, but what outsiders couldn’t see where all the pain pills he was swallowing. They changed his personality, and it was always different. Sometimes he resembled a drunk, falling all over the place, and ending up in the hospital.

He would take the car keys, and drive while he was so messed up, he’d be falling asleep behind the wheel. To this day, I have never been as scared as I was during those car rides.

He always got away so easily, though. I can’t tell you how many anger management classes he took, or how many times we had to attend family therapy. Most of the time he was just sent to the VA Hospital, where he was getting the pills in the first place. Bullshit, right? Well here’s where it gets complicated.

Throwing pills at disabled veterans was more common than most of you could ever fathom. This was the solution our dad was given, and though he very well could’ve handled things much differently, I know I am in no place to judge him. Still, this doesn’t change my anger over the way he treated us. That, he could’ve changed.

Another complication was the fact that we were Catholics, and my mama taught at a Catholic school. It would have been perfectly acceptable for her to be fired from her job if she divorced. In addition to this, my father, being a disabled Vet, could claim spousal neglect, and my mom would still be stuck supporting a man that couldn’t hold down a job. I don’t know if this was true or not, but I do know this-our mama did what she thought she had to do to keep things moving forward for us. The threats he repeated stuck in all of our heads, and we were too scared to doubt him, too scared of the judgment and embarrassment of what was happening to us.

Statistics say that physical abuse changes a child’s perspective. At incredibly young ages, my brothers and I were well aware of keeping up appearances. We never, not once, blamed our mom for staying in an abusive relationship. We understood it was as much for her as it was for us. We knew the things we were giving up, just so we could survive until we were at a safer age, making sure we were able to stay together, stay a family.

Looking back, it’s still so easy to get angry at the things we were robbed of. There was never enough money. We went without food, electricity, heat, and water. We never had sleepovers or birthday parties. Our dad was just too unpredictable to have friends over. As teens, things changed. The public school introduced us to a new set of peers. Suddenly, we weren’t the “that family”, the one so obviously different.

And sadly, our shitty situation didn’t even come close to those of others. And just as sad, my brothers and I finally felt accepted and felt comfortable around our classmates-all because they came from abusive homes. It was no longer a shameful secret. It was normal.

And it’s still this way. Being unspoken for, kids from abused homes will latch onto those who understand. And two broken kids become two broken adults, always seeking out the environment they’ve always known-chaos, unpredictability, and abuse. We find it hard to connect with others who have never felt ashamed, who have never seen the things we’ve seen.

Have you ever had to push a dresser in front of your bedroom door for your own safety? And then after that, did you ever have to climb out your window, crawl across your porch roof, and then climb into your mom’s bedroom window so that you could help block her bedroom door so that she was safe, too? Did you and your brothers take turns making sure someone was always home with your mom when your dad became that evil monster so that if he went too far, one of you could dial 911?

This was typical behavior in our house by the time I was in middle school. I dated guys who were as messed up as I was, and it wasn’t an act of rebellion. It was because they didn’t expect me to take them home and meet my family, or even expect to still be together the next week. I didn’t care how messed up they were, and they didn’t judge my life. It was a silent understanding that made for horrible relationships.

This won’t be the outcome for every single situation, but that’s not the point. Any adult harboring the abused child version of themselves inside is cracked in some way. What’s worse, it is far too easy for them to continue the abuse towards their own children. An estimated one-third of children who are subjected to child abuse and neglect go on to repeat patterns of abusive parenting towards their own children.

Those who were once victims begin to create victims. They begin the same vicious cycle because no one rescued them. If you aren’t sure of the signs of child abuse or suspect a child is being abused, this can help you. Knowing the difference between the disciplined child and the abused child could be lifesaving.

The following links can also be helpful

https://aifs.gov.au/cfca/publications/effects-chil...

https://www.childhelp.org/child-abuse-statistics/

Cover Image Credit: Pexels

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30 Things I'd Rather Be Than 'Pretty'

Because "pretty" is so overrated.
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Nowadays, we put so much emphasis on our looks. We focus so much on the outside that we forget to really focus on what matters. I was inspired by a list that I found online of "Things I Would Rather Be Called Instead Of Pretty," so I made my own version. Here is a list of things that I would rather be than "pretty."

1. Captivating

I want one glance at me to completely steal your breath away.

2. Magnetic

I want people to feel drawn to me. I want something to be different about me that people recognize at first glance.

3. Raw

I want to be real. Vulnerable. Completely, genuinely myself.

4. Intoxicating

..and I want you addicted.

5. Humble

I want to recognize my abilities, but not be boastful or proud.

6. Exemplary

I want to stand out.

7. Loyal

I want to pride myself on sticking out the storm.

8. Fascinating

I want you to be hanging on every word I say.

9. Empathetic

I want to be able to feel your pain, so that I can help you heal.

10. Vivacious

I want to be the life of the party.

11. Reckless

I want to be crazy. Thrilling. Unpredictable. I want to keep you guessing, keep your heart pounding, and your blood rushing.

12. Philanthropic

I want to give.

13. Philosophical

I want to ask the tough questions that get you thinking about the purpose of our beating hearts.

14. Loving

When my name is spoken, I want my tenderness to come to mind.

15. Quaintrelle

I want my passion to ooze out of me.

16. Belesprit

I want to be quick. Witty. Always on my toes.

17. Conscientious

I want to always be thinking of others.

18. Passionate

...and I want people to know what my passions are.

19. Alluring

I want to be a woman who draws people in.

20. Kind

Simply put, I want to be pleasant and kind.

21. Selcouth

Even if you've known me your whole life, I want strange, yet marvelous. Rare and wondrous.

22. Pierian

From the way I move to the way I speak, I want to be poetic.

23. Esoteric

Do not mistake this. I do not want to be misunderstood. But rather I'd like to keep my circle small and close. I don't want to be an average, everyday person.

24. Authentic

I don't want anyone to ever question whether I am being genuine or telling the truth.

25. Novaturient

..about my own life. I never want to settle for good enough. Instead I always want to seek to make a positive change.

26. Observant

I want to take all of life in.

27. Peart

I want to be honestly in good spirits at all times.

28. Romantic

Sure, I want to be a little old school in this sense.

29. Elysian

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Cover Image Credit: Favim

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A College Student's Guide To Self-Care 101

A trend on the rise, self-care is becoming more and more prevalent.

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My social media sites have been exploding with mentions of self-care. Tweets about the concept are ever on the rise and I think it is important to explore the concept. Self-care practices have become increasingly common because people are ever interested in tending to their emotional and physical wellbeing.

Unfortunately, with the popularization of the concept comes misconceptions. Self-care is not strictly about "treating yourself" and face masks. Additionally, it encompasses growth, reflection, and change. So, without further adieu, here are my top ten self-care tips!

1. Learn to be by yourself

This one is harder than people would think at first. Everyone's personality is different and, therefore, their affinity to being alone will differ as well. However, as I mentioned before, self-care is not only about physical practices. It is about eliminating toxicity from your life. This means eliminating bad habits, which is achieved through reflection and acknowledgment of the problematic habituation. Being by yourself allows you to set your own goals for yourself without any influence from outside factors. Additionally, the ability to be by yourself aids in establishing good self-esteem and ensures that the relationships you allow in your life are true and special rather than just to pass time.

2. Accept compliments

I don't know how this became normalized or why, but I despise the fact that girls have been taught to downplay their confidence. If someone offers a compliment, smile and accept it. Positive feelings towards yourself should be integral parts of your thought processes. Additionally, pay yourself compliments. They don't have to be said out loud but appreciate the beauty that is your body. It does so much for you, the least you could do is appreciate it every now and then.

3. Hold yourself accountable

Like I said earlier, part of self-care is eliminating bad habits. The tendency to attribute one's own failures and shortcomings to external forces is self-serving bias and those with good self-esteem are guilty of it. It may be difficult to balance attribution and self-esteem but in order to achieve growth, you have to acknowledge your own faults. This will allow for clarity and for you to work towards achieving better habits.

4. Don't bottle up your feelings

I am especially guilty of not following this tip. Keeping to yourself may seem like the easier thing to do and, if you are like anything like me, you may hate being seen as an inconvenience. However, I know that if I bottle up for too long, I tend to shut down and then I won't be able to achieve anything. Expressing your feelings is okay. Crying is okay. Anger is okay. Emotion is okay.

5. Try new things

Take a yoga class. Volunteer. Go to a new restaurant. Anything that pushes you out of your comfort zone incubates growth. You don't even have to enjoy everything you do, you just have to try. However, you may also find a new passion because of it.

6. Get some sleep

Don't spend all your time sleeping and lose all motivation to do anything, but make a conscious effort to get sufficient sleep so that all of your days can be as efficient as possible. You will be more energized and your immune system, as well as your physical appearance, will thank you.

7. Don't force yourself to do things you don't like

I know I said to try new things. However, if your best friend loves running and you go with her one day and find out you HATE it, don't force yourself. Find what works for you through trial and error. You will be much happier with your own flow and it keeps you from developing resentment.

8. Learn to say no

All the women in my life are especially guilty of this. We spread ourselves too thin because we can't say no. This goes hand in hand with not forcing yourself to do things that you don't want to do. Saying no doesn't make you a bitch, it makes you strong and lets people know that you know what you want.

9. Say what you mean

Don't sugarcoat things. It will leave you feeling unfulfilled and, quite frankly, it's exhausting trying to tiptoe around what you really mean. Don't be rude or aggressive, rather assertive and straight forward. It will make you a better communicator and will take pressure off of you as well.

10. Finally, treat yourself

I said self care wasn't entirely about that. I didn't say it wasn't necessary.

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