A List of the Different Kinds of Republicans
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Politics and Activism

9 Different Types Of Right-Wing People In 2019

A comprehensive list of what kind of folks you're dealing with in the modern times.

9 Different Types Of Right-Wing People In 2019

So CPAC 2019 just wrapped up, the annual gathering in Washington D.C. of American conservatives. It never lacks controversy; the racist John Birch Society was only formally distanced in 2012, the famous segregationist, George Wallace, who is most famous for trying to block black children from going to school, came in second place for the most popular conservative figure in the event's first year of 1974, and Donald Trump's 2011 CPAC speech is what first got him involved in modern GOP politics, and we all know how that ended up.

Donald Trump's 2019 CPAC speech was exactly what you would expect from a senile narcissist, but the speech proved two things based on the response from the crowd: one, the conservative movement is devoid of any intellectualism, the ideology of principled theorists that the movement claims to have, takes a backseat to Donald Trump's insane verbal diarrhea. Two, the right is completely unified behind this man, they love him and will follow him anywhere. However, this fact is unique to Trump, because the right used to be split into serious factions just like the left is now. What were those factions like you ask? Well let's find out, please join me on a tour of right-wingers.

Uncle Boomie


So this one is obvious, everybody has their token reactionary uncles. What does he believe in? The flag, bald eagles, John Wayne, and anything he thinks might offend college students. You can spot him by sharing memes on Facebook that might say, "I bet you snowflake liberal millennials have no idea what this is" and it's a picture of a coat hanger or something. These people don't really know how Facebook and Twitter work, but that won't keep them off it.

You can tell this by the way they respond to Trump's posts in all caps "THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU DO MR. PRESIDENT SIR THANK YOU FOR KEEPING US SAFE. GOD LOVES YOU SIR." You have to be careful when you post something along the lines of "we shouldn't be racist anymore" or else Uncle Boomie will flock to your Facebook comment section sharing memes from groups like "God, Guns, and Trucks."

He was always a racist, but the Trump campaign really brought out the worst in him; he now believes Trump is fighting against the pedophile deep state and the Clinton family have a child sex colony on one of Jupiter's moons.



This type of conservative is a young white man nobody in his age group wants to be around. The MAGA LAD and Uncle Boomie have a co-dependent relationship; uncle validates him by liking and sharing all of the lad's posts, and the lad gives Boomie tons of content to use to destroy his niece's argument at Thanksgiving. The MAGA LAD loves to wear ill-fitting suits and his profile picture is either him throwing up the "ok" hand gesture with his acne-scarred face or he's standing at a podium of some kind being sworn in has his college's Turning Point USA chapter president.

He complains about socialism because it gives money to people that never work for it, but he was also able to get an internship because his dad is friends with someone else's dad. MAGA LAD's biggest concern is liberals attacking free speech on college campuses, which is why he has chosen a man that throws a hissy fit on Twitter when a journalist says something mean about him to be his champion. Does MAGA LAD have a girlfriend? Hell no, he's mad at women for just wanting to date and fool around rather than sleep with a guy passionate about capitalism and logic.

YouTube Logic Guy


This guy is important because he is the gateway drug for a lot of people, especially young white men, into right-wing ideology. He gets you because he doesn't call himself a conservative, he is a liberal, but he's a "classical" liberal like John Locke, you had to read about John Locke in high school, you know he's smart. What's more, is that Youtube Logic Guy is an atheist too, he hates conservative Christian fundamentalists!

However, there is one thing he hates more than that... the greatest threat to human existence and life on Earth as we know it... the female Ghostbusters reboot! Youtube's algorithm caused his eight-hour review of the most recent Star Wars movie with a woman lead and how feminists are destroying entertainment. And suddenly you're thinking, "Well yeah the original Ghostbusters with Bill Murray was a lot better than the remake" and that's a completely normal opinion, but you have already started down the road. Before long people say things like "If women want to be treated equally I should be allowed to hit them."

Libertarian Galaxy Brain


"I want a gay married couple to defend their marijuana farm with AR-15s" he typed onto his internet post. Haha, this is such a zinger. All of his conservative AND liberal friends will explode in the confusion. Yeah, he thinks capitalism is cool but he wants to be able to smoke weed and play with his guns. Here's your friend that was really enthusiastic about Ron Paul. You are a normal human being so your response is usually "who...?" Libertarians can often appeal to some people because without investigating what they believe in, it sounds pretty neat.

It's just freedom to live however you want. Of course, then you realize this means the freedom to run a sweatshop in your basement with child slaves. Libertarians at their core care more about unregulated capitalism over any of the other stuff like ending the American empire and protecting people's rights which is why after a few years of soul-searching they realize they're just Nazis.

The Moderate Warmonger


"Yeah, I'll be okay with gay marriage as long as you promise that the rich will never pay taxes again and the president can bomb any country he likes without that damn Congress getting in the way."

When John McCain and George H.W. Bush died, the moderate warmonger lost part of what little soul he has left. Because that is the crux of what he believes. Did those men support a horrible policy that ruined the lives of millions worldwide? Yes obviously, but they did it with honor and integrity, and they were civil. The moderate warmonger certainly doesn't like Trump because he tweets a lot and doesn't "act presidential," but of course he had no choice but to vote for him, he couldn't trust Hillary Clinton because of her emails, also she's too far to the left... something Benghazi. Despite this, the moderate doesn't care if you're a woman or whatever, he'll be down to chill as long as you promise to invade SOMEPLACE when you're elected. The Moderate Warmonger is related to the NeverTrumper but he is at least decent enough to be honest with himself and support Trump.

The Crusading LARPer

So these guys are basically the new Nazis. Again, it's a group of young white guys that feel very upset for various reasons, some of which are legitimate. Capitalism breeds depression in all groups, even those that are privileged and benefit from the system. However, because the modern version of liberalism dominant in the mainstream alienates them since it's about propping up disenfranchised identities, like women of color for example, they are going to go elsewhere for acceptance, and they find places that just say "being a white man is the best."

Obviously, the remedy is not to ignore women and people of color to make white men feel better, but this is all a topic for another time. They're crusaders because they worship and pretend to be like the knights from the Holy Crusades. They want to protect Europe and the US from perceived threats like Islam. I tried to keep this review joke-free, because these people are still very real and very dangerous.

Monopoly Man


So who actually benefits from an openly racist society that pollutes its own air and has a reactionary oligarchy government system that prevents people from making any kind of substantial progress? The people that control the wealth, duh.

The monopoly man will stop at nothing to keep his ill-gotten gains to himself, he only gives away money when he's funding right-wing think tanks and publications to do studies on why poor people should not have healthcare. At least back in the old days, the monsters like Rockefeller and J.P. Morgan knew they were monsters, guys today go to DAVOS or threaten to run for president if the Democratic Party hurts their feelings. They know you hate them, but they don't care because you're not running for President.

Religious Cool Guys


There isn't much I can add on these guys. We know what they do. Try to get gay people to commit suicide and harass women that go to Planned Parenthood. The only thing I can say is we often dismiss these people as being excluded from the South, but I assure you they're all over. Every state has its nut jobs.

The best thing Trump did was to expose these people. They'll vote for a twice-divorced guy who mocks religious values and obviously does not care either way about the issues they feel strongly about as long as he is a Republican. It's all a joke, the one percent's minions and an army of useful idiots.


This one speaks for itself.

As I said before, the real problem is that all of these groups used to be divided, constantly bickering and canceling each other out, but thanks to Trump's cult of personality they are now unified under a banner of fury and hatred, which means bad things for the rest of us.

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