I picked up the phone knowing something was wrong. My friends generally don't call me because they know I hate talking on the phone, I am a preferred texter. I was right. The news was bad. One of my dearest friends and co workers, who was on the phone with me, had elected not to come back to our classroom this year. This was not an ordinary job to say the least. We are educators in an special education classroom which services students who have emotional disabilities. The job is difficult at times, frustrating, mind-blowing, and incredibly rewarding. The kids are amazing. We serve students in grades 9-12 and assist them in managing their behavior so they can be successful in general education classes. It's not easy work and some days by the final bell, I feel like I have been in a fight and lost. In the classroom there are three adults and twelve students, each with their individual challenges, disabilities (usually multiple), and quirks. It can be a busy place. I had been working with this woman for seven years. And now she wasn't going to be there at the start of this school year. I was lost. I burst into tears on the phone, which made her cry too. This wasn't my intention, it was simply a gut reaction. My world had just been rocked with this news. I didn't know what to do, say, or how to prepare now.
She was my right hand. She could finish my sentences and she knew how to make my big ideas into workable assignments for the students. I honestly feel like I have lost someone dear to me and I don't know how to proceed with planning for the school year. Today I went into the room, saw her desk and found myself in a pile of tears again. Her presence is all over our classroom. How would I tell our kids that she wasn't coming back? They would be devastated too. We were known in the school as the "dream team." I don't know what to do.
We spend so much of our lives at our jobs. The people we work with become important to us and if we're lucky they become our close friends and we consider them family. I hope she knows how much I appreciate all she did for me and for our students over the years. Each article of clothing she sewed, every cup o' soup she purchased for them, every math problem she explained, and essay she proofed. I could not have done it these past seven years without her.
What do I do now?
I guess it's like when I crashed on my bike last week. I got bogged down in my toe clips and went down hard. Now, I find myself bogged down with the news that my dear friend will not be joining me in my class, and I have fallen down again, hard. When I laid in the dirt and the decorative bark, I had to get myself untangled from the clips, the pedals, and the bike, fix the flat, and get back on! Now, I have to accept this news that my friend and co-worker isn't coming back. It stinks. But it is. I need to wipe my tears, clean the white board and get ready for the school year. The kids are waiting for me. Their parents need me. And my buddy would want me to continue our good work. And I will work my rear off this year, more than any other. I'm learning that change is hard and loss is a grieving process. I've decided to make this the year of new beginnings, and that can't be bad, if you make the decision that it's all good.
