Depression really kicked my butt.
Well, obviously. It sucks. You can thank me for stating the obviously later. For me, I never knew how much it impacted my everyday life until later.
Depression runs in my family as it does in most families because the mental illness impacts 16 million in the U.S and 35 million worldwide. I thought I was one of the lucky ones and wouldn’t get touched by the evil disease. Boy, was I wrong. I didn’t even see it coming, hit me like an angry tidal wave. It wasn’t just sadness and insecurities. I am tired all the time, I have no motivation to get out of bed in the morning. No, I don’t think about hurting or killing myself. It just gets so hard and it got harder as I got out of my first year of college.
Summer came around and I started noticing the feelings of exhaustion. I found myself not being joyful at things that would normally bring a genuine smile. My room turned into my comfort, my bed was the only hug I wanted. I didn’t seem to actually notice a change in my attitude, I just thought I was missing school and a routine. It wasn’t until my boss pulled me into the back and just asked, “Are you okay?” I didn’t really know how to answer her, because I really didn’t know what was wrong. Am I okay? I think so. I’m breathing, I have a good supportive family, a dog that I love a lot. Why would I not be okay? She noticed I hadn’t been acting like my normal happy self, that I was short with people and just looked down all the time. I ended up telling her the medication I was taking was having a negative impact on me. I think it did because when I did take it, I would be a slob the whole day. That obviously wasn’t the only reason I was acting off.
After that day, I really tried acting different so I wouldn’t attract attention to myself. I’m not much of a fan of that. I would sit staring at the door that led out to the work floor and just give myself a pep talk. ‘Gotta put on that smile Morgan. Gotta be the happy-go-lucky girl that’s hiding in there.’ I didn’t like the fake smile I put on though. Especially at work. I enjoy working there, the people are wonderful, my coworkers are beautiful. I felt like I was lying to them everytime I came in and I hated it. I hated that I wasn’t happy.
This made it difficult to be in other activities as well. My insecurities really impacted the way I interacted with people and organizations outside of work. I’m in a sorority. A wonderful organization and a great community to be a part of. I’m blessed I get to have a place in it. A part of me didn’t see how I got in there though. I look at myself and see a low maintenance girl, a girl who acts more guy than girl. I see someone who isn’t sorority material. My insecurities got the best of me, now I miss all of them very much.
I come off as confident but I’m really not, I fake it til I make it. I probably will until I’m an old lady with a cane and can trip the young kids with it. I have my own coping ways as most people do. I tend to make darker jokes, I’m sarcastic, I’m relatable as some people put it. My biggest coping mechanism is making other people happy. I hope the jokes and my laid back personality brings some joy to the person I’m with. Pills help, but they don’t do much until four months after, which really sucks. I’m on my second month and I don’t feel different, having a routine helps.
If you or someone you know is acting off, I would suggest you talk to them. Don’t wait because it can get worse. There are different types of depression and mine is pretty mild. I’m thankful for that. My family suspected it and they have brought it up, but I guess I had to find out myself. My friends and family are my biggest support and that really, really helps. I don’t know where I would be without them.
This isn’t a illness to fight alone, there are people out there who do care. I’m one of those people.
