Emotional trauma is any damage to someone's emotional state and even though many people seem happy or they portray happiness, there may be an internal struggle no one knows about. Even though the #1 cause of death in the United States is Heart Disease, the tenth cause of death is suicide, killing over 42,000 people a year. Many people who suffer from various mental illnesses often commit suicide including those suffering from Schizophrenia, Chronic Depression, Bipolar, and others; it's a sad statistic, but it is true. Without medication, many people suffer for years before finally "freeing themselves," some feel trapped with no one to talk to, some are even bullied into committing suicide. I suffered for years with Depression, suicidal thoughts, cutting, anxiety, "depression spirals" as I call them, mainly because of poor body image and bullying.

I was bullied relentlessly for years: all eight years of grade school and four years of high school because of my weight. I come from a big family so to be small and skinny is unusual unless I worked out even chance I got; I was not fat, but I was curvy with a big butt and a big bust so I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't fat. I looked different and even though I was a nice person, I was teased because I was too smart or because I was "too fat." It got to me after awhile for when I entered high school, I found myself taking drastic measures in order to keep myself at a certain weight; if I found my weight going up I would starve myself until I reached a desired weight; along with being bullied I also developed a more pronounced depressive state that had originally developed when I was 13. I would think about suicide, envision myself doing it, envision myself looking at blood as I sat there and died because I just wanted everything to disappear and I wanted to feel normal. I realized after doing research that what I was doing was normal; thinking about death and suicide was normal for someone my age, but I knew I needed help. I knew this wasn’t healthy behavior and it not only damaged my life, but if I had actually followed through with suicide, it would affect my friends and family and I couldn’t have that. Even though I didn’t get the help I needed, I learned to curb my bad behavior by other means; I mainly talked about my problems instead of holding it in and letting it get out of control.

Suicide and depression is no joke, and there are ways of dealing with it; suicide isn’t the answer. However, there is a difference between depression and Chronic Depression; depression can help helped in various ways such as therapy and sometimes medications, Chronic Depression can only be helped with medication and once that person is off that medication, they spiral downwards very quickly. The main person who helped me, and still does help me with my urges, was my fiancé; we have been together for years and besides my son I attribute him to saving my life. I wanted out, for good, but he and my son saved my life and now I get to look forward to watching my son grow up, a wedding, and a future family. There are ways to get help.

Contact the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255 if you or a friend needs help.

Suicide isn’t the answer; I’m living proof. Living is the answer.