You are not alone.
For many years of my life, I struggled with a demon known as depression.
This is hard for me to write about because of what a dark time it was for me, but I feel that writing about my story may help someone else that is going through something similar.
I realize as I type this that this may be a shock to some people that I have dealt with this, and I am completely okay with that. Depression is a real illness. Just because you cannot see it physically does not mean it doesn't exist. People with depression are not attention seeking. If anything, they want just the opposite. No one asks to be depressed.
I first told my family about my depression my freshman year of college. Until this time, they had no idea because I kept my sadness hidden so well. I also began telling my close friends around this time and they kind of understood, but not in the way I wanted them to. They tried to help, but they didn't know the best way to go about it. If you are this friend, being there and showing constant love, patience, and support is the most important thing someone with depression needs. I didn't even know what I needed at the time. I didn't know why I felt sad, and I didn't want to burden anyone with it. I constantly caught myself thinking, "Do I really feel this way or am I making it all up?" It was a very confusing time. I didn't really understand this illness, and quite frankly I didn't even know if I believed it was a real thing. I mean, you do always hear "Just think positive thoughts" or "Stop being so negative all the time" when people are down. I understand it is kind of awkward to combat for some people, so I understand those people may not have meant harm by those words and they were just trying to be positive. At the time of me feeling these depressive moods, however, these phrases were anything but helpful. I now understand both sides.
When I told my family about how I felt, they didn't really understand. They had never experienced what it was like to feel the way I did, so naturally it was all new for them. I want to take a moment in this article to say thank you to my parents for being so supportive and for trying to understand this illness as best they could. I would not be here today if it weren't for the loving, caring, kind parents I was blessed with.
Depression does not discriminate. From the outside looking in, you could say my life seems so perfect. In fact, I've even been told those words before: "Your life is so perfect." Ha! Who on this earth has lived a perfect life?! (Besides Jesus, and his life was full of hardships.) Depression affects people in all walks of life, from young to old, poor or rich.
Depression is a liar. Depression thrives on sadness. Depression tells you that no one would care if you were gone. Depression tells you to stop trying. Depression tells you that you might as well stay in bed all day. Depression tells you that you look terrible and that you aren't worthy to live.
Depression is lying to you.
I am living proof to tell you that your depression doesn't have to win. You don't have to listen to it. You ARE stronger. You are more than depression. So much more.
People DO care about you.
People WOULD miss you.
However small or large, you contribute to someone's story whether you realize it right now or not. That story is important and so is your story. Do not sell your life short.
You matter. You matter so much. You matter to your family. You matter to your friends. You matter to your coworkers. You matter to your teachers. You matter to God. You matter so much! Yes, you!
Depression is a disease, and almost like cancer, the cure is not the same for everyone. I did not just wake up one day and say, "Wow, glad I'm done with that depression. Now time to be happy forever!" No. It is a process. It is a journey. But you can get better, I promise you.
Be honest with someone you trust. Tell them what you have been feeling. If you don't think they would understand, make an appointment to talk with a counselor. Depression is nothing to be ashamed of.
I now am about to embark on my spring semester of sophomore year, and I am so proud of myself for how far I have come. I have been deep in despair, and I now feel deep in joy. I have told people I felt hopeless and never saw myself being happy again. I now understand that this was my depression talking, not me. After all of this, I have come out stronger as a person and I feel very blessed.
The road to recovery is not a straight path. It is windy and bumpy. Sometimes you go backwards and sometimes you make progress. It is okay. This is all part of your journey. Be patient with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Observe yourself without judgement, you are trying the best you can.
It is okay to feel sad sometimes. But it is not okay to stay sad.
If you or someone you know is struggling with depression, please please please tell someone who you trust. You should never have to deal with this on your own. There are people who love you so deeply. So, so deeply.
National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
XX,
LB
