I've already been through the worst of it. I've already had the days when I physically couldn't get out of bed because I spent my entire night trembling. I've already spent months at a time sick to my stomach, unable to eat anything. That part is done.

But this part isn't much easier. I've been spending every day in my own head, filled with anger and sadness that have nowhere to go.

There's so much pressure on me to always be happy. I've made myself the social and passionate friend—and I usually mean it. But when I get into these episodes, I never know how to act. It's hard to be present in any situation because I spend so much time thinking about what's going on in my mind. I put all of myself into everything I do. I constantly feel the need to make everyone smile.

But I've forgotten about myself, and I've only realized it recently. I've been beaten down so many times in the past few weeks. Heartbreak, disappointment, and frustration have surrounded me, but I didn't let my energy fall. Maybe that's why it's hitting me all at once now.

I feel so stupid for putting my heart into places where it didn't belong, and I'm not over situations that I should have forgotten about a long time ago.

I don't talk about it because I'm not comfortable. Certain parts of me are closed off. How can I talk about it with other people if I can't even accept it myself?

But I don't know how to change. I know how to deal with anxiety and depression, but this isn't either of those. I'm completely numb. I've watched the scariest horror movies, trying to get myself to feel something, but it doesn't work. Right now, I'm completely resigned.

I know that mental health isn't linear. This is going to be a process, and it's not going to be easy, but I'm working on finding the strength to persevere.