What Depression Feels Like

One of the worst things about depression is not knowing when it's going to hit you. It comes unexpectedly. It’s pretty much hell on earth. You constantly feel like you're drowning. It's like being in an abusive relationship with yourself, both physically and mentally. You're constantly tired and emotionally drained, no matter how much you sleep and no matter how little you do during the day. Having depression is exhausting.

Major depression is an intense pain that causes you to feel like you will never get through it. It's like living in a black hole. It's such a slow, painful process that feels like a lifetime, when it could only be a couple days, or a couple weeks or a couple of months.

You just want to cry everyday (and you do), and you just feel sad for no reason. You cry at everything and anything, even if it's something minor, like a sad commercial or a sad song. You feel like your body is moving in slow motion. You think and believe your loved ones are better off without you and that there's nothing worth living for. You just want to pull your hair out or cry in a pillow until it's all over. Getting up in the morning requires a lot of effort. Sometimes you don't make it out of bed, and you find yourself still lying there until it's dark outside. Carrying on a normal conversation is a struggle. Everyone else around you seems so happy, and you just want to curl up in a hole and not wake up. Your family and friends really irritate you and piss you off for no reason. Smiling feels stiff, like your muscles are frozen. You feel like you can't do anything right. You feel like you're drowning and suffocating. You wake up sad and go to sleep sad. You feel hopeless and helpless, like you're drowning and crying for help.

Someone with depression is extremely good at hiding that they are depressed without realizing it. When they're in public, they can put a smile on their face and have a conversation with someone, and once that person walks away, they just want to cry, and the smile goes away instantly.

You feel like you're trapped inside an evil spirit, and you want to escape. You feel like your life is meaningless, and there's nothing at all to look forward to. You have thoughts of death or suicide. You feel numb and invisible. You feel like nothing could be more painful than what you're feeling, to the point where you don't want to be alive anymore, just to end this miserable feeling. The littlest word can make you want to burst into tears for no reason. You are overly sensitive. The most pleasant and comforting touch can feel painful to the point of tears. People seem like they're from a different realm, like there's a glass wall between you and the rest of the world, and people don't know you're there. You feel out of place and isolated from the world. When you are depressed, everything seems and feels meaningless. You snap at people and push them away without realizing.

Suicide begins to feel like a relief and a pleasing thought. You feel like no one would care if you were gone. Of course these are all the bad voices in your head and aren’t true. But you believe it. You feel everything so deeply.

This is a depressed person's reality.

My Personal Experience

Since I was just a baby, I was diagnosed with severe depression. I rarely smiled, talked, or moved. I was pretty mute. In high school, I got re-diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression again. It came and went throughout high school and only lasted for one or two days at most. But I didn't fully experience it until I got to college.

My freshman year, I came home for winter break in December and everything was fine. It wasn't until the new semester started again that I went through a period of depression that lasted for four months. When it started, I didn't quite understand it yet. I didn't know it was "depression." I thought I was crazy and not normal. I started out angry and had severe mood swings. Then I got more feelings of emptiness and sadness. I felt so alone and isolated from the world. I remember I would wake up, and the first thing I would do is cry. I would lie in bed and go through a whole tissue box and not want to move. I remember I would go a whole week without leaving my apartment. Didn't step outside once. I would lay in bed the whole day and then finally get out of bed and move to the couch. I would go days without eating. I remember I would sit on the couch in the living room and just stare outside the window and watch the sun go down. I would lose track of time and find myself in the same place that I was in twelve hours ago. I didn't care. I didn't know what to do with myself. I was so down that I felt the outside world was too much for me to handle.

I remember that when I went outside for the first time after a couple days, it felt weird. I wouldn't talk to anyone. Not even my boyfriend at the time. He wasn’t sure why I was avoiding him, but really, I was so unable to be myself that I didn’t want to burden anyone with my complex state. I felt like a bad girlfriend and like he would just be better off without me. I would tell him I was depressed but I didn’t feel like he really understood at the time. I remember telling my close friends that I was depressed, and they would ask me, “But why are you depressed?” or “Just try not to think about it." I ignored a lot of people. I was unaware that I was closing people out, the ones who cared about me. I remember I would be sitting in class and then get up and leave in the middle of a lesson to go to the bathroom and cry. I always felt like crying at random moments - no matter where I was, but I didn't want anyone to see me crack.

I remember my poppa got my sister and me tickets to a Broadway play, and when we went, I couldn't control myself. I cried during intermission, after the play, and the whole subway ride home. I remember just crying in my sisters arms, screaming for help (inside), but to her I was just falling apart. I would sit in French or my photo class, and no one would know what I was going through because I was so good at hiding it. I always had a smile on my face just to get through class because I had to, but I really didn't want to be there. I would hold back tears in the middle of class when I randomly felt like breaking down. I would be in the elevator, and when someone else got on, I came across as a normal happy person, but once that person stepped out, I wanted to collapse and cry. It was a mask that I put on whenever I wasn't alone. I was so good at masking everything. The world seemed like such a dark place.

I used to get frustrated with myself. I would start crying uncontrollably and feel so empty. I hated that I didn't have an answer for why I was feeling the way I did. It got me mad. I hated not knowing.

I wished people would know how difficult it is to get out of bed and make it out the door when all you want to do is break down in tears. I wish people understood how much energy it takes to get through one day.

My parents were unconditionally loving and supportive during this hard time. They did whatever they could, whether it was psychiatrist visits, therapy visits, being there when I called at 5 in the morning crying for no reason, hugging me while I just cried in their arms, telling me how much they loved me, or wiping the tears from my face, but nothing "cured" my depression. It was sweet and appreciated, but it wasn't helping.

What I Learned From This

Don't delay the pain. The sooner you feel it, the stronger you become. No growth happens without hardship.

I didn't realize until after my dip that only I could help myself. I know it sounds corny but it’s true.

Now this doesn't mean my depression won't come back (like I said, it’s unpredictable), but at least I know I have the power to help myself. It took me a long time to realize this, and it takes a lot of practice to develop this skill. I'm still working on it.

I learned that everyone experiences a dip at some point in their life.

You really need to go through a difficult challenge to grow and learn about yourself. And you have to dig deep within yourself. You can't rely on the other person to take your pain away. You can't dwell on trying to fix the past and expect that person to make things better. You have to do the mental work. You have to feel the pain and learn about yourself and be better. The feelings are there to teach you something. It’s a part of life. The good news is it will pass, once you are ready.