I should begin by saying I'm not very good at shopping. Those shirts that say "Shopping Is My Cardio" don't come close to resonating with me; my favorite cardio is going to the grocery store.
Nonetheless, I understand the appeal of shopping, seeing as it's necessary in order to be clothed and all that. However, if I'm going to subject myself to an hour in the mall (my limit) there are a few places I refuse to enter, and all of them are department stores. Sure, they have great coupons and discounts, but I feel like I'm entering a retail slaughterhouse with a different logo every time I venture into one by accident.
So without further ado, and in a very deliberate order with biased ratings, here is my shit list of department stores.
1. Von Maur
I only have a strong dislike for Von Maur because it isn't that bad. They're all clean and the wall colors don't offend me, plus there's usually a piano player, which scores points in the ambiance department (pun intended). Their clothes aren't always attractive, but every department store has unattractive clothes and Von Maur seems to have the fewest.
Rating: 8 out of 10
2. Nordstrom Rack
I tolerate Nordstrom Rack because they take all the sizes I fit into, slash the prices and clump them into a large room that looks like a giant afterthought. However, I rarely go in there because it's always packed with people.
Rating: 7.5 out of 10
3. Nordstrom
Nordstrom is Nordstrom Rack's older cousin that can't get it together. Their website is OK, but physically going into one has never been a successful endeavor for me. Their merchandise falls into two categories: clothes I fit into but can't afford, and clothes I can't fit into and really can't afford.
Their only saving grace is that sometimes they have a restaurant.
Rating: 5 out of 10
4. JCPenney
JCPenney is the saltine cracker of department stores. Finding inspiration in their clothes is like trying find Waldo in a sea of office cubicles, except Waldo isn't there.
Rating: 4.5 out of 10
5. Neiman Marcus
I've never been inside a Neiman Marcus, but it sounds like the name of a wealthy stockbroker.
Rating: 4 out of 10
6. Macy's
Macy's is always huge, and I get lost every time I go in. How do people instinctively know where to go in department stores? Also, they only have coupons for sections I don't shop in, like the entire Men and Home store.
Rating: 3 out of 10
7. Yonkers
This sounds too much like "bonkers," which means crazy. As in, people are crazy to go there. This could also be far too personal, but I was body-shamed in a Yonkers once and I'm never going back.
Rating: 2 out of 10
8. Kohl's
I feel the same way about Kohl's as some people feel about going to the dentist. I hate Kohl's. It's dark, the clothes are strewn everywhere, it's empty all the time and I'm convinced it's haunted. Every time I pass one on the road I speed up a little bit, to escape a childhood of bad memories being dragged there to look at the sad, dingy display racks.
Rating: 0 out of 10
9. Sears
Half the time I question whether or not Sears still exists.
Rating: ? out of 10
Remember Courage the Cowardly Dog, and his skewed perspective on the "monsters" that tried to destroy his world? This is not unlike how I feel at department stores. They're great, and I'm not trying to convey a message to avoid them at all, but to someone that hates shopping as a necessary evil, this is my perspective. I don't see it changing anytime soon.
