"We professional athletes are very lucky. Unlike most mortals, we are given the privilege of dying twice - once when we retire, and again when death takes us." - John McNally

I stumbled upon this quote a while back and instantly I remembered the years where I was involved in a sport. Being both in soccer and Taekwondo growing up, this statement couldn't bring any more truth. Even though it is weird to me to consider the end of a sport as a death, it does feel like a part of you is missing, no matter how long it has been since you have been out of the sport.

Looking back, you never truly realize how much sweat, tears, and sometimes even blood you pour into a sport. The dedication and determination growing with each second just wanting to become better. You've been surrounded by teammates who have seen you at your best, your worst, and when you have worked yourself to your breaking point. You have probably been through team dinners, long bus rides, and numerous heart-stopping moments due to either success or injury.

To me, when I first looked at this quote, I saw the line about dying twice and thought not about actual death, but when you have to watch your teammates play and you are on the sidelines. You see, about a week before my senior soccer tryouts I broke my foot. It was a pretty bad break. I was devastated. This was the first time my school would have a varsity team and I wouldn't even get to attempt tryouts. As the season was starting, I still went to every practice, every game, and always wore my uniform. All I remember was cheering on my teammates and secretly wishing that I was out there with them. This was death number one.

Now that I am in college, I am no longer playing on a soccer team. There are some days where I just want to put on a uniform, and play my heart out. There are other days where I wish I was back on the mats in my Taekwondo studio. The feeling of flying through the air and being so empowered is something you will never forget.

You don't feel this loss right away. You don't feel it when you're on the field for the last time or when you turn in your gear. It all starts to hit you when the leaves start to change or you are sitting at home while you realize that you would usually be at practice at that time. It doesn't truly hit you until you take it seat when you return to your team and see your number on someone else's back. It isn't until these moments where you feel death number two.

Now I don't know when that last breath will come, but I do know that my life will be filled with memories, lessons, and trials. I will never stop playing the sport that I love. The things that I have gained will remain with me for the rest of my life, even after the jersey has been hung up.