Death is not an easy thing for anyone. No matter if you were best friends with the person or if they were just someone you talked to occasionally or not at all. Death is scary. There is nothing that can change that but once it happens sometimes you find yourself asking what next?
My biological father passed away this past July and it was harder for me to deal with than I had previously anticipated. I had not spoken formally with him since I was 14 years old, which was over six years ago. I was woken to a phone call in the middle of the night that stopped my entire world. Being too far away to attend the funeral, I was left without closure, without my family by my side and an extensive amount of questions and regrets. I found out while crying into my best friend's arms that I did not know what to do next. How do you all of the sudden have to live life knowing you were upset with your father so you did not try for a relationship? How do you start living your life like normal again after something so tragic happened so recently? I did not know what to do, and to be honest I still don't.
My fathers birthday was last Sunday and I couldn't bring myself to post in his memory or even bare to look at the posts my family had made for him. I was ashamed because I had already missed so many birthdays before and did not want all the comments from people telling me yet again how sorry they were for my loss. Its been a little over two months now and I find that I still do not know how to feel about any of this. I'm more confused than ever because all my life, I had two dads. My adoptive father and my biological father. Amidst all my confusion of emotion, I found support and love from my adoptive father. He knows this is a difficult time for me and all he wants to do is be there and love me through it all.
After two months, I thought things would be back to normal, but they aren't. I find that people still tip toe around me while talking about their fathers. They don't want to upset me but that just upsets me more. I am still confused as to what happens next. I never really understood what death meant until my favorite person in the world died while I was in high school. But this, this is different. I may not have been close to my father but he still was my father. I have the right to be upset about the whole thing but I still don't know what is going to happen next.
Remembering my father is something my family and I will always do. He was a man loved by many and for that he will never be forgotten.
Te amo Papi.
