Dear Ex Boyfriend

Dear ex boyfriend,

I want you to know that I didn’t break up with you because I hate you. I broke up with you because you were teaching me to hate myself.

You taught me that I was never good enough and that while you “were lucky to date me,” I still had too many problems, both physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was great to take out in public so the world could see that you had someone to call yours, but when alone I was just another girl you ignored in favor of video games, your phone, or whatever else caught your fancy at that moment. I was perfect as a long distance girlfriend since you could see whoever you wanted while I wasn’t near, but when we were together I was just a lot of work.

I thought I had this whole relationship thing down pat. You lead, I follow blindly. You tell me what to do, I do it. I never had much say while you had all the say. You’d tell me how you cuddled with all these different girls, then tell me that “they were like a sister to you.” What I ask now, however, is if cuddling was as far as you went with all of those girls.

You taught me that my body was imperfect, never right, I was to squishy or flabby in all the wrong places. My butt was saggy and my arms were flabby. My stomach was too soft and not toned enough for you. The only thing that was okay being as squishy as it was was my cheeks since those were “just so much fun to mold my face with.”

My depression was too much, you had your own depression to deal with. And your depression always took precedent over mine, no matter how severe mine was or how suicidal I was feeling at the moment. My sorrow always paled in comparison to yours. My happiness was always placed aside for yours as well. The amount of times that I sacrificed something that would give me a smile so you could instead is unbelievable.

I was scared to break up with you for what felt like eons, and when I finally did break up with you I felt strong. I felt like I might be able to do something for myself for once. And I have done something for myself. I’ve grown. I’ve been able to stand up for myself, I’ve been able to see myself as beautiful, and I’ve been able to focus on my depression and get the help I need.

I want to remind you, ex boyfriend, that I didn’t break up with you because I hate you. How could I? I put so much into you and so much into your life that I’ll never be able to hate you. But I couldn’t live with hating myself, and that’s all you let me freely do.

I hope you learn from our relationship just like I did.

Leah