Dear Younger Me,

Why are you doing this to yourself? You are a 15 year old freshman in high school. You should be focused on that... Not focused on how skinny you are. You are 80 lbs at 5"0. Well guess what? I am 180 lbs... and you know what else? I'm you.

You were diagnosed with anorexia at 13. But did that change you? No... You only got worse. I know what you're gonna say, "Skinny is pretty... what's the worst that can happen?" You really want to know?

You will be admitted into treatment facilities because of your eating disorders and suicidal tendencies. You will be put on suicide probation. You know what that means? You have no razor, no shoelaces, no hair straightener, no hair extensions, no hairdryer, no strings in your pants, no spaghetti strap shirts, no jewelry, no anything. They will take your blanket and stuffed animal. They will force you to eat. They will taunt you and make fun of you for being skinny. They will look at your scars and torment you. But did that stop you? No.

You will be admitted again, but in a place far worse. They took your makeup, books, blanket, stuffed animal, hats, shoes, and everything else that the last hospital took. This hospital is worse, because they will take you off your Ritalin. They did so, and put you on Focalin, even though you explained to them that Ritalin is the only thing that works for your ADD. They will also take you off of your sleeping pills and put you on a mood stabilizer called Seroquil that they will not inform you about all the side affects. This medicine will cause you to hallucinate and black out. It's also your worst nightmare... it increases your appetite. But no one is going to tell you about that, of course. This place won't even let you call your mom except once or twice a week. You will fall asleep in therapy sessions and get punished severely. The staff will taunt you for not being able to stay awake or stand up because you're physically weak and the medicine is overwhelming you. "Maybe if you weren't anorexic and actually ate something and didn't throw it up, you'd have the energy to stand. Now GET UP." "I really don't like you. You don't participate. All you wanna talk about is your boy problems. This isn't a beauty shop. This isn't a gossip center. This is a hospital." You will get put on unit restriction, where they make you sit out in a hallway for 8 hours with nothing to do but stare at the wall. You will fall asleep for half of that time, but the other half is full of panic. You will only be allowed to go outside once a week. It's not a fun time. You will be 3 hours away from home... away from the school that you love. Away from all your loved ones. Locked away in the crazy house.

You have to stop for my sake. You have to, Anna. You have to stop hurting yourself every day.

You will join the speech and debate team at Madison Central and develop a love for it, but you will put yourself on probation if you don't stop.

You will attend MSA, the school of your dreams.... but you will hate it. Even though you hate it, you will learn from it. You will fall in love with someone that steals your heart... and he breaks it before you know it. It will destroy you. But you will survive. You will be so obsessed with the thoughts about how nobody likes you that you will wreck your car... twice. You will break your back, literally. You will fall apart. You will go back to treatment because your anxiety gets the best of you.

But... let me tell you some good things that will come out of this...

You will start writing your own songs. Your pain will create many great compositions. You will make an album titled Chasing Visions about all of your pain. It will be a great album.

You will switch schools again. You will attend the Ed Center, and you will love it. You will have a friend that cares about you. Your counselor will care about you. You will make straight A's your senior year and finish 3rd in your class with honors. You will even get to fill out your dream of singing at your own graduation.

You will defeat anorexia and bulimia. But not in a good way... You will gain so much weight because you starved yourself for so long that your body will turn everything you eat into fat.

You will form new relationships. You will grow up. You will make more mistakes but will learn from them. But your self confidence will grow, despite what size you are.

You can't let your size define you. Make healthier choices. Don't hurt yourself anymore. You will lose more friends than you know you have. People will bully you. For the rest of your life. You will be the target of all bullies if you don't stop. Please... do better for yourself. Things. get. better.

Love,
The new and improved you
(Anna Livi)