Dear Self,

I'm sorry things have been difficult lately. Some things, if not most, are just out of my control. If I could change all these things, I would've done so by now. But I can't and I'm just going to have to live with it.

You know that most days, I look in the mirror and hate the person looking back at me. Physically we look the same: we make the same facial expressions and funny faces. But...she's just a stranger, a very tired looking stranger who's continuously getting beat down and struggling just to get up and keep going. Most days, she reaches out for help from people she needs most; they're not there. She grabs at air while falling flat on her face. Even though it's difficult, she gets up anyway, to live to fight another day. Her, she's no one special. She just keeps going.

But although this is the reflection I ultimately know and see, who is here physically, but underneath I don’t know who that is. It's weird for me. Or maybe I do and I'm just too terrified of what's next. I've never had this issue before, so why now? I’ve never had an issue adjusting, yet here I am writing a sob story. I've always been someone who knows themselves, up until today, at least I thought I did. So...What the f***in’ hell am I doing? I seriously don’t have an answer. If I did, I wouldn’t be in this predicament.

Overall, I have absolutely no clue what the hell I'm doing.

All these compliments from everyone, thinking I have it all together, I don't. I've had so many years of practice that it's extremely easy to hide what's really wrong with me. Everyone gets fooled by the smile, the jokes, the laughter. But deep down, is a mixed confusion, not knowing what goes where.

Many years of practice from certain situations have made it extremely easy to hide most of the things that internally bother me. It's easy to see that I have it put together; but I don't, not fully, anyway. Most get fooled by the smile the jokes, the laughter, and the fun. But it's all temporary. Of course, only the rare few can see past all that without having to say anything at all. Because to those that know, I'm a big ball of confusion.

It’s a daily struggle putting on a temporary facade. Yet it's so routine, it's practically part of you. I don't tell others my problems because I don't want to be a burden. I don't bring out the true problems because all I'd do is cry. The steady face I have on, fools people well. I'm always observant but quiet. Just because I don't say anything or much about it, doesn't mean I've forgotten. So don't be surprised if I've already caught onto shenanigans.

But, I'm so tired of holding people up, only for them to give up or blame me for their failures. I'm tired of being taken for granted. I'm tired of not being appreciated. Sure “thank yous” are great, but it's not the same as someone going out of their way. Yes, I'm difficult, but that doesn't mean I'll reject efforts. At the same time, I'm not sure if I'm actually wanted or needed.

I know everyone will be fine without me. They say they won't be but I know they will. I've left enough behind for things to be taught and passed on. I know I'm not needed. I'm only a temporary figure in people's lives; once my role is over, it's onto the next one.

It's okay though. I've made peace with this.

It's at least one thing about myself that I'm sure of and hasn't changed. But for the rest, I just see a stranger.

You know I’m changing, we’re changing, even if it’s little by little. Not sure if it’s for the good, but you know it's for myself. I hate not knowing who looks back at me because I should recognize me. But I don't. and it's kinda sad...

~Moose