I was so scared when I started college.
I didn't know anybody, but I was lucky enough to be stuck in a dorm with a stranger like you.
We grew to be inseparable and I thought I had found my 'person.' I thought I finally found that 'college friend for life' people talk about so much.
I felt so lucky to be going through this scary world of college with someone who complimented my personality so well. Just from a semester with you I could see myself growing and changing. I was becoming more like you: confident, social.
As I changed, though, so did you.
They say the traits people often fall in love with are the first ones they grow to hate as well, and our relationship was no exception.
Socializing became a priority and confidence came at the expense of other people's feelings—sometimes my own.
I continued to become more like you, but as I formed my own relationships outside of our own, I became aware of the person I was turning into.
Dear, old friend: I did not leave you because I had other people. I left because other people made me notice who I was turning into.
I started to admit to my own flaws, but, as I drifted, I watched you continue to grow into yours, morphing them into your personality.
I did not wish to become this person.
Dear, old friend: I don't know if you understood why I left, but I hope you someday will.
I hope you will one day realize that while you changed since our first year of college together, you did not always change for the better. You turned into the person you always voiced your disgust for. You became the person you never wanted to be.
You manipulated the world around you to suit your needs and refused to adapt to others. The less people wanted to fit into your world, the more of an enemy they became. It only fueled the flames.
The desire to control overcame you, and, as I learned from you in our freshman year, nobody should let someone else control who they are—so I left.
Dear, old friend: I miss who you were, not who you became.
I'm sorry we're no longer together.
I'm sorry I couldn't be there to cheer you on at graduation, and celebrate your 21st, and create amazing new memories with you.
I'm sorry I stopped being your friend, but it felt like you had stopped being a friend long before I left.
I truly hope you do well in life because I hope as you continue to grow in age, you will grow as a person. I hope your successes humble you. I hope you learn to appreciate the people around you and the life you have.
Learn from your past and grow from it.
Please know that fixing yourself cannot fix us, though.
The damage is done, and while I can move past what once was, I cannot look past who you turned into.
You were my best friend, but I lost that.
I always imagined us as old, wine-drunk ladies laughing over all the terrible selfies we took in our dorm rooms.
I can only imagine us as strangers now.
So, old friend, I leave you with something new I have learned in our time apart: If you feel guilt for who you've been in the past, apologize for it no matter what.
Old friend, I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me.