Dear NLD:

Hi. It's hard for me to talk to you because I'm scared. I'm scared that you will prevent me from living the life I want. I'm terrified that I won't be able to be who I really am because of you. To be honest, you scare the crap out of me. I want to be able to work with you and figure out a way to make sure that I can be who I am with you, not despite you.

I can't ask you why questions, because you can't answer them, and because there isn't really an answer. I was just born with you, and there is nothing I can do to make it better. The only thing I have the ability to do is accept you for what you are, and find a way to make it work for me now. I'm truly not sure what that looks like, but I hope I can find answers in time and with continual self reflection.

I wish there was a way that I could make you magically disappear. You would leave me alone and I would be able to have a normal life and have normal friendships and be able to be regular. But I guess being regular is boring, I just wish I was irregular in a different way. Irregular in a way that was more obvious to people.

I'm continually scared that I won't succeed in life, and while I may have accepted you, I am having trouble forgiving you. Acceptance and forgiveness are things that are different, at least to me, and I can't find it in me to forgive you or myself for certain things. It's not your fault, but I need someone or something to blame it on.

While you've made my life hard, I can't help but be thankful because you've forced me to be incredibly self aware and emotionally intelligent, in ways that others around me may not be. So thanks, NLD, for teaching me.