Today, I did something amazing. I reconnected with my grandmother in a way I never felt possible.
From the earliest reaches of my memory, I can see my grandmother standing over the oven, baking who knows what. She made everything from scratch. No box mixes existed in her eyes. She put every ounce of love and devotion into each cookie her grandchildren would eat, and you could almost taste the warmth of that love radiating inside of you.
Since my grandmother passed away last summer, I've found it hard to confront the feelings that it brought forward. Having spent so much time with all of my grandparents as a child, I found it extremely difficult to exist in a world where I faced the loss head on. I tried to stay as strong as possible. For my cousin, my parents and especially my grandfather. I stumbled through a eulogy that took me too long to write, that I made sure to place in her casket, and tried desperately to be a rock in such a difficult time.
Today, however, I found myself finally facing my fear. My stepmother found a recipe for the food my grandmother used to make every year. Chocolate chip pumpkin muffins were a thing I looked forward to every fall. I remember sitting, eating as many as possible, as fast as I could, just to hear her say "Oh! I should probably make some more."
Through the process of making these muffins today, for the first time, I felt the amount of effort she put into loving us. I've known my whole life that my grandmother was exceptional, but her giving nature and endurance to make these muffins is astounding. I couldn't imagine making them with two kids running around her kitchen, because I had enough trouble with one.
And let me tell you, the smell that filled my home brought me to a mental place where I was finally at peace with the passing of my grandmother. And with the first bite, tasting the flavor that reminded me of my life with her, brought me to tears. I can honestly say, I have not missed my grandmother more than I do today and she would be happy to know that I plan on eating 10 of the four dozen muffins I made today.
