I won't lie the last few years without you have been rough. I struggle without your constant support and never-ending love, you are always on my mind. Not a day goes by without you crossing my mind once, I constantly struggle with how your loss affected me, and how to keep healing myself. I keep replaying our last conversation in my head, you were asking me about my prom dress, "Hey Granny, yeah I'm doing okay, I bought my prom dress the other day, I can't wait for you to see it! It's white and pink with big flowers on the skirt, I bought some gold t-strap heels to match it. How are you feeling today? Oh, that's good, I'm glad you're feeling better. I miss you being just down the road, you need to get better soon so you can come home. Mama wants to talk to you now. Yes, I'll call you when I get home from school tomorrow. Yes. I'll be careful. Okay, I love you too." I wish I had talked to you longer, that maybe if I had you would've come home. I try to remind myself that I know you're always with me, but I'm selfish. I want you physically here with me, to see everything I've accomplished and what I will accomplish.
Mama has a theory that I never let myself heal from losing you. I was more concerned with everyone else and keeping them together. Then when everything was over, I threw myself into the rest of my senior year of high school. I didn't let myself dwell on losing you, even though I cried myself to sleep almost every night after. After I finished high school, I threw myself into starting college and that's how I've dealt with your loss. I throw myself into things so I can keep busy. But it's time to face your loss and to start healing. My first step is this, writing to you. I will always continue writing to you, it makes me seem less crazy than talking to you out loud (like I do in the car after a hard day). The next step is for me to allow myself to feel the pain that losing you brought. I shoved it down into the back of my mind, and that's where it's stayed for three years. I'm going to let myself feel it, but not overwhelm me. You'd reprimand me if I let that happen.
To catch you up on things: I work in the library now, a job I absolutely LOVE, and have decided to go to graduate school to get my Masters in Library Science. I have the greatest friends ever, and a great guy who treats me like a queen. I still love Harry Styles (like that would ever change) and I get to see him again in June. I now write for two online platforms publishing my own content. I dyed my hair blonde and grew it back out. I drink way too much Starbucks and eat Chick-Fil-A more than I should. I'm the campus event coordinator for Odyssey and spend way too much money on shoes and clothes (huh, wonder where I got that from). I still want more tattoos. And I need to start sleeping at night.
You know how much I love to dance, dance heals all my problems and allows me to convey what I'm feeling without saying anything. This semester I'm choreographing a dance that'll help me heal from losing you. Will I cry in the middle of it? Yes. Definitely. Will I be okay afterward? Also yes, because I know in my heart that I'm going to be alright, even if you're not here with me. You're with me, and even though I'll fall apart sometimes, I know it'll be okay.
I love you