Dear God, Please Wreck Me

I’m comfortable. I wake up every day at 7:30 in the morning and do almost the same routine every day. I like knowing what to expect from the world each day. I like knowing where I stand with people. I like eating the same foods. I like knowing my surroundings. I like being comfortable. But what is comfort?

comfort (n): a state of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint

But I ask a simple question: is being comfortable also being content? Am I settling in my life? Could I be doing more? Sometimes I feel a disconnection from God. I feel that I am too comfortable in my relationship with Him. I journal and read my devotion and read the Bible, but where is that getting me? I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other Christians because we are all on our own journeys, but let’s be honest here. Sometimes I feel as if other people are much stronger in their faith and I just want to be in that same place. I crave a sense of peace that He gives others and yet I can’t seem to find it. I crave the kind of bravery that He instills in missionaries. I crave the innocence of a child who knows only of God. I’m aware that He provides whatever we need in our life, but that doesn’t seem to be enough for me anymore.

I started reading this book called I Don’t Wait Anymore by Grace Thornton and in the book it talks about how there are more stars in the universe than there are grains of sand on every single beach on the Earth. Take a minute to let that sink in. Think about when you pick up a handful of sand in your hand. Every single grain represents a star in the universe and there are more of them. You see, most of us view God as an ocean type of God. We see him being vast and knowing each grain of sand on the beach similar to us. The problem, you see, is that the ocean has edges. The tide rolls up and splashes your feet with a cool touch. But the universe, it has no edges. Scientists cannot even find the edge of the universe.

THAT IS THE GOD THAT WE FOLLOW.

We live in a world where the Creator of the universe is so big that he is an edgeless and infinite God. My comfort level brain is confused by this. My comfort level brain has a hard time wrapping its head around this fact because it is so used to being in a box. I put God in a box. I say that He is big and mighty and in control, but when it all comes down to it, do I really think of God as edgeless? This God who is edgeless offers us a boundless love and most of the time we shove Him in a box saying we are giving Him control but never allowing Him to take it.

I want more of God. I desperately seek a relationship with Him, but I will never truly know Him if I continue putting Him on the back burner and only seeking Him when I feel the need for Him. I want to allow God to pursue me. I want to pursue a relationship with Him where I am all in because I know since the minute I was formed in my mother’s womb that He was all in for me.

Dear God, PLEASE WRECK ME.