I've put off writing about you for a long time. You are an important part of my life, but it has always been difficult to articulate my beliefs to others.
So, the only way I could approach this topic was an honest letter to You. There are plenty of letters in the Scripture, so I figured I'd give it a try (It's more of a word vomit, but at least it comes from the heart, right?)
This whole life thing is such a peculiar thing. I feel lost in a world of good with evil, not really sure where I fit in. Sure, I treat others well, but at the end of the day I count the quarters piggy bank and look out for my own desires. I am selfish, impatient, competitive, full of excuses. I am compassionate, loyal, trusting, funny (at least I hope). I see the big picture of society and try to ignore the nuances of politics. I rely on the stories of others for hope, understanding, and guidance. I am imperfect but forever trying to be better. I, like everyone, am a broken human being. Still not really sure what to do with that, but connect to the brokenness in others.
I am Catholic. And I love my faith, especially the focus on works of mercy for others and the Eucharist. But I don't think Your doors are selectively open for just Catholics, let alone Christians. I genuinely think your doors are open for EVERYONE who has lived out Love and accepts Your Love after death. I was lucky enough to be born into a Catholic family in the United States, but chances are if I was born in the Middle East, that wouldn't be the case. Cultural and familial lenses shape so much of who we are, and you created that diversity after all. When I'm confused after I hear the idea that only Christians can enter heaven, I remember that If I could feel compassion for those not born into faith, then How much greater is Your compassion for them?
I don't know if it's just me, but sometimes I feel like I am horrible at "hearing you" and where you are calling me. Maybe the problem is I don't actually listen, but sometimes I feel like life is a guessing game. People always say "It will work out as it should." I want to believe that so bad, but the fact of the matter is we always have the choice. We were created as human beings with free will. I try my best to listen, I really do. And looking back, I know I am where I should be in my life. Yet, the future is so foggy. My prayer is that the fog clears a little just to see enough to the next day. So striving to fulfill your will day by day will slowly turn into a lifetime.
God, here's the funny part. I don't really see you the most in the Church building or theological conversations like other people might. I see you in nature and other people. I see you in how there is somehow a sunset and rainbow at the same time on my ride home. I see you in my parents who give and love without condition after all these years. I see you in the never-ending oceanic blanket that reflects sparkles of the sun. I see you in my Nicaraguan family who still finds laughter in extremely difficult times. I see you in the innocence and frankness of a child. I see you in my boyfriend, who always accepts me where I am. I see you in the mountains I've climbed and the smallest molecules I have learned about in textbooks. I truly seek you in every day experiences, without much formality. But I also know, I need to get off my phone and hit my knees more often.
Here's just a few topics from a college student. Although they may not be super articulate, it's where I am at. There's so much more I could write about, but I guess I'll save that to pass my time purgatory ;) If someone can relate to this, maybe in that they can see they are not alone. There is no "perfect Christian" or faith lived out on a pedestal. You will always happily meet us where we are,. If only we could see in each other, what you see in us, we would be united and encouraging toward another. Help me to see others and myself as you see them.