I remember it like it was just yesterday, you know, the day I decided to be gay. I had just broken up with little Johnny down the street because he didn’t want to go to the playground with me the day before. I woke up the next morning so upset that I didn't even eat my bowl of Fruit Loops for breakfast. As I sat there at the kitchen table, with my fist clinched tight, I promised myself I would never be with another boy for the rest of my life. I went to school that day a new girl. And that was the day I decided to become a lesbian.
That’s not how it works though; we don’t wake up one day deciding if we are gay or not. It's not a phase, it's not confusion, it's not a sickness. I didn’t just wake up one morning upset over some boy. No one or nothing made me become gay.
Growing up I was never friends with all the girls in my class, and it's not because I wouldn’t share my Barbie dolls and wouldn’t play dress-up. Its because they thought I was weird; don't worry I agreed with them. Instead, I was friends with most of the boys in the class, and I would rather play football during recess and wear big t-shirts with “#1 Star” and a basketball on it than catch myself playing dress up or playing with one of those god forsaken Barbie dolls.
Just like the boys though I was always awkwardly nervous to talk to other girls. I could never figure out why because I grew up only knowing about heterosexual relationships. It wasn’t until a little before middle school that I had realized that homosexuality was a thing and that there was more than just being with a boy for the rest of my life. When I noticed that there were other people like me, I started observing everyone around me, searching for someone my age who was the same.
As the years passed, I made friends who were gay, but I never wanted to come out publicly because I knew people would judge and bully me. Once I did come out, I would have people mock me, outcast me and bully me, just like I knew they would. I've had guys tell me, "I just haven't met the right guy," but that's not it. I have dated a guy before, and yes, things were good and what not, but while dating him I never got those feelings you get when you see your crush or whoever your dating.
The second I started seeing a girl everything just seemed so clear. This is what was missing from me, the assurance of who I was. All my life I was stuck in the world where homosexuality was taboo, but at that moment I noticed that there was nothing wrong with me; that I was for sure, gay as one could be. I wasn't some weird kid growing up, I was scared, scared of being who I was. When I finally found myself, I was so incredibly happy with myself.
So if your child ever comes home and is worried about why they like someone of the same sex, please don't get mad at them. Don't just shake it off saying it's a phase. Growing up scared of being who I am was one of the hardest things for me to do, and once I found myself, I became a whole new person. I can't even imagine how hard it is with today's society.
