The answer is no. It was no when I told you the first time, the third time and now on this ninth time. You keep telling me it’s fine, that you’re “totally cool” with that, but clearly you’re not because you just can’t seem to let it go.
Let me be clear. If I tell you I’m not going to have sex with you, then please stop trying. Unless I tell you that I’ve changed my mind, then you should assume that my answer is still the same: no. Continuously trying to push me to do more is definitely not going to convince me, and convincing me should not be your goal after I have told you no already.
I wish I could say that you were a rare boy, that you were the exception, but to do so would be claiming the untrue. You’re the boy who slowly kept trying to take my clothes off, as if I wouldn’t notice, even though each time I said no and got up to leave, only to have you plead for me not to and promise that you wouldn’t try again -- but you did. You’re the boy my best friend texted me about last week, saying that, “He wasn’t all that pushy, he kept trying like 3 or 4 times after I’d said no, but he wasn’t that bad,” proving just how normalized this kind of behavior has become.
You’re that guy at lunch, complaining about that girl who let you take her clothes off, but wouldn’t have sex with you, as if being naked was reserved for sex alone. You’re some of my guy friends hanging out after a weekend night, casually referring to the girls you were with the night before as “teases” and “prudes” because they wouldn’t have sex with you, while I sit there in strained silence feeling uncomfortable -- about as uncomfortable as I felt when you asked me to sleep with you for that ninth time.
This is why I warned you, in very explicit terms, that I would not be having sex with you tonight, under any circumstances, before we came back to my room, yet somehow you can’t seem to accept that fact. I shouldn’t even have to tell you ahead of time, because me inviting you back to my room should not make you feel as if you are also invited to have anything you want from my body or from me. Likewise, if you invite me to come over and hang out and I accept, all I have agreed to is to hanging out, not to having sex or doing anything even at all. Feel free to ask once, but if I say no, please respect that -- I don’t owe you anything. I probably should’ve left after the second or third time you asked, but I guess that's my fault for trusting that you actually mean it when you said, "No no, I'm sorry, I won't ask again." Fool me twice and all that.
The sad reality is that I have been shocked and surprised the few times that boys have actually grasped the concept of limits after being told the first time. Respecting the boundaries that someone placed during a hook up shouldn’t be an accomplishment or an unusual occurrence. That should be -- needs to be -- the norm.
It’s become expected that a hookup is either zero or 60, with no in between, and that it’s somehow ripping the other person off if you decide you want to hook up to some extent, but perhaps not go all way. No person should ever have to apologize for his or her unwillingness to go further in a hookup. I will never understand the logic behind calling a girl a tease when she is hooking up with you, but not sleeping with you. Since when did it become obligatory to have sex or “go far” during every hookup? As if anything less is just such a scam? You should be happy with whatever you get. If it’s a simple kiss, be grateful, they do not owe you anything more.
Most of the time, you’re not a “bad person.” This habit has become so normalized in our hookup culture, that you don’t even realize what you’re doing. But if you’ve ever asked someone repeatedly to have sex in one night after receiving a “no,” then I ask that you please think about what you’re doing. No matter how into you they may seem, no matter how much they like whatever else you’re doing, it doesn’t mean they wants to take it to the next level. It’s okay to enjoy something that’s going on, without wanting more.
If someone has established boundaries and you continually push and say, “Come on, please?” or, “But why not?” or, “But I really want to,” or try to unbutton their clothes, or argue with them, or make them feel guilty or repeatedly attempt to convince them,then you need to take a good hard look at what you are doing.
Once they’ve set their limits, you’re no longer harmlessly asking; no matter how nice you think you’re being, your pleading and pushing is really just bullying them to get what you want. The problem with what you’re doing -- and the reason so many people don’t recognize how actually messed up it is --is that it’s much more subtle than physical force because you think you’re being nicer or sexy about it and, therefore, not truly coercing someone into it.
What needs to be realized is that as soon as you don’t take a “no” seriously, you are attempting to force someone into having sex with you, even if you’re doing so in a more mild way. Asking for consent is what everyone needs to do, but pushing for consent, and asking repeatedly, is not a positive thing. You’ve taken a good and necessary action -- asking for consent -- and turned it into a disguised tool to relieve yourself of guilt, while you really are just pressuring someone into sex. And that is never, ever OK.
