"You reap what you sow" Galatians 6:7

I'm not writing this to shame anyone, but to release feelings that have plagued me for far too long and to set me free. Take this as you may, reader but to me it will remain anonymous. Let yourself to make your own interpretation.

Dear Anonymous,

I've never been the person to be able to find all the right words to express how I feel in the moment because the second I do the lump in my throat develops and my vision becomes blurry with tears. I feel angry. I feel sad, and most of all I feel disappointed.

Our relationship has turned from racing to the phone to call you to barely calling you at all... and maybe that's my fault for growing up. I can sit across from you at a table and the distance between us feels like its growing by the mile even when we're only a foot away. Our conversations have gotten shorter by the sentence and soon enough it may end up being nothing because we both choose not to talk about the things that bring us the most grief. My heart aches because I don't know what to do.

I am angry.

I am angry that you try when it's way too late. I am angry that you don't see how your actions have affected me and that you won't own your demons that eat you up inside. I am angry that you act like everything is perfect when its totally not. I am angry that you don't take the time to talk to me about the elephant in the room and every one else does. I am angry that the main memories I have are the ones I try not to remember. I am angry that you drank around me regardless of how much control you thought you had. I am angry thats how you coped with your problems. I am angry that you can be so selfish sometimes and expect me to not be the same when I try to grow up. I am angry at myself for thinking things will be different every time and they're not and then I have to figure out how to pick up the pieces when my hopes are shattered into a million pieces.

I am sad.

I am sad that things have gotten to this place. I am sad that we haven't done anything about it. I feel guilty for going my own way and making my own path and having to watch you bear the pain. I am sad things couldn't have been different and that they took this drastic turn for the worse. I feel like it was my fault and I shouldn't have to carry the weight of that burden but it ends up falling on my shoulders.

I am disappointed.

I am disappointed that you missed competitions that I know you could've been at. Regardless, of your intentions, excuses, reasons it doesn't change the fact that they're disappointing. But I'm sure in a roundabout way its my fault. I am disappointed you weren't excited for me to grow up and make my own choices, but instead make me feel held down. I am disappointed that you appear so oblivious to these feelings I've had for years. You try and believe me I know you do, but you do a second too late. I am hurt.

I love you. Despite the world of pain we have caused each other in the past seven years.

I refuse to apologize for the words I've written and I refuse to feel bad about it because they speak true to my deepest and darkest pains in my heart. It cuts like a knife but just like an open wound, it will be healed with time but the scar will always be there as a constant reminder.

I'm not writing this to shame anyone, or to even bring spotlight to someone that may or may not know this is about them. I am writing this for me... and for the people that can't ever seem to find the way to put it into words.

My pains may never be rectified but at least I hope they're known.