August 31st would have been my youngest
nephew's eleventh birthday. Instead of having a small celebration with family
and friends, I must imagine what his birthday would have been like if he
was still with us. D.J. had cerebral palsy, so he could not walk or talk, but
that doesn’t mean I loved him any less than my other nephews or niece. He
was so smart and sweet, he knew who everyone was, and we knew who and what he liked
and disliked. I would spend hours just holding him, singing to him; I talked to
D.J. just like I talked to everyone else in my family. He was my youngest nephew, my
baby. I don’t think I told him enough how much I loved him while he was still
alive. I hated myself for not being there when he passed away. I was angry that
I couldn’t be with my family, because I was away at college; I was angry
because I was only able to make it home for the funeral. I was broken, my heart
was so heavy, I wanted to cry but couldn’t because I didn’t have any tears
left.
I was so angry with God, I wanted to know why he took
my nephew away from me. I was upset because I knew at least ten family members he could have taken instead of D.J.. They didn’t deserve to live, they never
appreciated the value of life. D.J.’s death changed me, I hated my family with
every breath I took, because they were selfish and self-centered. They
didn’t feel my pain. I wanted them to suffer the way I suffered, I wanted them
to feel my anger, and to have my suicidal thoughts… If I could have traded
their lives for my nephew's, I would have. They hurt me during my grieving process,
I was consumed with hate, but I had to let it go… I didn’t want to but I did
and I forgave them all.
I didn’t know dealing with death could be so difficult
until D.J. passed. I had never felt pain like this before, it's indescribable…pure devastation.
My pain was torturing me, even now it’s still torturing me. I cannot write this
without crying and my heart is breaking just a little more with each word I
type. I would rather die than feel pain like this again, in fact I wanted to
die. I stood outside of my dorm one night and watched as cars passed by on 49. I
wanted to run out in traffic and end it right then and there. I was so close…just
a couple more steps, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because I didn’t
want to be selfish, I love my mama, my siblings, my nephews and niece so much, that’s
why I didn’t do it, I didn’t want them to lose me, too. I didn’t want them to
endure anymore pain. Now, I have come to realize that if I have God, my family,
and loving friends, I can make it through anything.
D.J. passed away on March 27, 2016 and I am still grieving;
I haven’t fully accepted the fact that he isn’t here with me anymore. Seeing my
brother and sister in law is still hard sometimes because I want to ask, “How
are D.J. and Skye doing?” Instead I have to ask, “How is Skye doing?” I feel
like a bad aunt because I haven’t been to the graveyard yet, but I just can’t
handle it right now. I felt like a bad aunt because, when I was around my two
nephews and my niece, I felt as though I was forgetting about D.J. So, I bought a
ring and had “DJ” engraved on it. The ring brings me a little peace because I
know he will always be with me no matter what.
I think about him every day. People say it gets easier, but even though the random days of crying become less frequent, the pain won’t go away. I must stay positive. Knowing he is in a better place makes me happy. This has been a difficult process, but every single day I’m becoming stronger.
08/31/2006-03/27/2016
