August 31^st would have been my youngest nephew's eleventh birthday. Instead of having a small celebration with family and friends, I must imagine what his birthday would have been like if he was still with us. D.J. had cerebral palsy, so he could not walk or talk, but that doesn’t mean I loved him any less than my other nephews or niece. He was so smart and sweet, he knew who everyone was, and we knew who and what he liked and disliked. I would spend hours just holding him, singing to him; I talked to D.J. just like I talked to everyone else in my family. He was my youngest nephew, my baby. I don’t think I told him enough how much I loved him while he was still alive. I hated myself for not being there when he passed away. I was angry that I couldn’t be with my family, because I was away at college; I was angry because I was only able to make it home for the funeral. I was broken, my heart was so heavy, I wanted to cry but couldn’t because I didn’t have any tears left.

I was so angry with God, I wanted to know why he took my nephew away from me. I was upset because I knew at least ten family members he could have taken instead of D.J.. They didn’t deserve to live, they never appreciated the value of life. D.J.’s death changed me, I hated my family with every breath I took, because they were selfish and self-centered. They didn’t feel my pain. I wanted them to suffer the way I suffered, I wanted them to feel my anger, and to have my suicidal thoughts… If I could have traded their lives for my nephew's, I would have. They hurt me during my grieving process, I was consumed with hate, but I had to let it go… I didn’t want to but I did and I forgave them all.

I didn’t know dealing with death could be so difficult until D.J. passed. I had never felt pain like this before, it's indescribable…pure devastation. My pain was torturing me, even now it’s still torturing me. I cannot write this without crying and my heart is breaking just a little more with each word I type. I would rather die than feel pain like this again, in fact I wanted to die. I stood outside of my dorm one night and watched as cars passed by on 49. I wanted to run out in traffic and end it right then and there. I was so close…just a couple more steps, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it because I didn’t want to be selfish, I love my mama, my siblings, my nephews and niece so much, that’s why I didn’t do it, I didn’t want them to lose me, too. I didn’t want them to endure anymore pain. Now, I have come to realize that if I have God, my family, and loving friends, I can make it through anything.

D.J. passed away on March 27, 2016 and I am still grieving; I haven’t fully accepted the fact that he isn’t here with me anymore. Seeing my brother and sister in law is still hard sometimes because I want to ask, “How are D.J. and Skye doing?” Instead I have to ask, “How is Skye doing?” I feel like a bad aunt because I haven’t been to the graveyard yet, but I just can’t handle it right now. I felt like a bad aunt because, when I was around my two nephews and my niece, I felt as though I was forgetting about D.J. So, I bought a ring and had “DJ” engraved on it. The ring brings me a little peace because I know he will always be with me no matter what.

I think about him every day. People say it gets easier, but even though the random days of crying become less frequent, the pain won’t go away. I must stay positive. Knowing he is in a better place makes me happy. This has been a difficult process, but every single day I’m becoming stronger.

08/31/2006-03/27/2016