My father tried to contact me a few months ago.
He managed to get a message through to one of my sisters. A trite, half-hearted apology. An unchanged man making a statement of his behavior, not amends. I won't give him the chance to apologize to me because I don't want it. I told my sister and have since come to really deeply hold to; he could crawl on his knees through the desert, begging for absolution and I wouldn't find it sincere. More importantly, it wouldn't be useful to me. Any part of me that needed that apology has figured out how to live without it for more of my life than less.
We haven't spoken since he cussed me out in an email eight years ago. Before that? There was a really awkward dinner with my sisters where he was an hour late, knocked back a few shots and struggled to remember who we were, since it'd been about a decade since he had seen or talked to any of us.
There is something to be said for not holding hate in your heart, grudges being unhealthy, forgiveness bringing peace and all that feel good, come to terms with life shit. I don't hold active hate for this lost, self-pitying man. But I don't have time for him either. He broke my heart. Someone eventually was going to, that's the cost of living. When it's a parent though it's an extra awful pain.
What did he do for me? I remember he taught me basic math and science. We watched the Batman animated series together. We had a ritual when he got home, he would get a Mamba candy from the kitchen cupboard and give me one. He also gave me a distrust for relationships for a long time, childhood PTSD and made me realize I'll never make a promise after all the ones he broke. (Oddly the one I'm still hung up about is the tree house he promised me.)
No, I don't hold grudges against him anymore. I get that he's a human being who fucked up, as another human being who has fucked up. There is a difference between holding grudges and remembering people who did you dirty and you don't associate with anymore. Toxic people are toxic, no matter their relationship to you. Family isn't a done deal, something that stays static and constant. All relationships are dynamic elements because they are comprised of people, not ideals. The full phrase is “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” meaning that relationships you forge on your terms will be stronger than a familial bond that may feel or be obligatory.
I don't need to forgive him either to find my peace. I have found and made my own peace without him. It isn't a passive peace but an active one, where I engage with my feelings and memories. Everyone's process of absolution and forgiveness is going to be different, with that there is no argument. I'm putting forth the idea that you also don't need to forgive those who hurt you in order to heal, and that sometimes it can halt your own self-care.
