The media has a way of portraying mental disorders as glamorous, showy and attention seeking, when in reality a mental illness is nothing like that. If you are someone who has a mental disorder, you know there is nothing remotely glamorous about it. Having a mental illness affects your life in tragic an agonizing ways. Generalized anxiety disorder is characterized by someone who excessively worries about everyday things, the worries can be very real or completely made up. Most of the time they are completely irrational and over the top. If you have anxiety your brain automatically dissects a situation and sees the worst case scenario. Excessive worrying or floating anxiety effects every decision and your everyday life in general.
A day in my life with anxiety usually starts off exhausted because sleep is almost impossible to come by when my brain is on hyper-drive 24/7. I wake up exhausted, groggy and never feeling any better than the day before. Sleep is no relief because I just get comfortable then suddenly remember there is a cord in the kitchen that someone can trip over, fall and get really hurt in the middle of the night. No one will know anything until morning so I have to go move it right away so nothing bad happens. I can not ignore the thought of the cord causing someone to trip nearly as much as I wish I could because it plagues my thoughts and dreams. I obsess until I go and move it. Then I come back to bed, get comfortable again, and try and fall asleep. I'm almost asleep when I remember something else that can be potentially, but not likely, disastrous. This goes on and on on an endless loop until I fall asleep without realizing it and wake up exhausted the next morning.
A day in my life with anxiety is being afraid to talk to my classmates because one time a peer criticized me. The fear of being judged, because I have an abrasive personality and never know what to say in any situation, can be crippling and causes me to be more awkward then I normally am. The exhaustion of putting up a facade of smiles and a carefree attitude makes me prefer to stay in bed alone or just not socialize at all. I force myself to go to school and work everyday but isolation is easier than putting up with the anxiety that comes with being around humans, even though I literally love working with people, talking to them, and helping them. Anxiety has taken that ability away from me.
A day in my life with anxiety is feeling ashamed that I see a specialist to help me manage my symptoms, even though I shouldn't. I lie and tell people I have doctors appointments because I do not want to delve into my own problems. I do not want to say I see a therapist because the world thinks that breathing and relaxing is a viable solution, when in reality they do jack squat for someone with anxiety. Some others think a magical pill will suddenly make everything better but really the pills come with their own host of problems. There is no be all end all answer that fits for everyone. Each person has different symptoms, different solutions and different ways to cope with their illness. Society can not and should not shove anyone with a mental illness in some box that it has created to make sense of our unusual thinking.
A day in my life with anxiety is ripping apart my fingers until they bleed constantly without even realizing. It's having to hide my fingers from people because I am well aware of how gross and unsanitary it is to have my fingers ripped open and bleeding all the time. Anxiety is fearing to eat certain things or take pills because I am irrationally thinking my throat may close and I will not be able to breath. Anxiety is having massive uncontrollable panic attacks where I can not breath or even think properly. Anxiety is shame when I think about myself and realize as much as I crave control I have little to none over my own mind. Anxiety is embarrassing, annoying, inconvenient, crippling, and so many other things. Anxiety is not glamorous, showy, attention seeking, or something you want to deal with. Anxiety is not something I can write a status about and forget, it NEVER goes away. The symptoms stick with me for life, even if I get help and learn to manage it.
My advice to anyone who thinks they may have anxiety or any other mental illness is to get help. Talk to a therapist, your school counselor, or your doctor. Be kind to yourself because your mental health, no matter how many times I say it isn't, is extremely important. I know that talking to a therapist once a week has made such a difference, I still have trouble managing my symptoms, but just having a name for the way I feel makes a huge difference. Take charge of your own mind because no one can help you if you are not willing to help yourself.
