For a long time, I have struggled with the idea of whether or not I could be pro-black and date outside of my race. I have believed for a long time that love is love and it should not matter who I talk to or chose to be with. However, as I have gotten older, I have realized that not only was that naive for me to say, but it completely does not encompass a variety of other issues.

When thinking of these issues, I have to wonder when choosing a partner: am I dating them because I am interested in them or it is a subconscious desire to assimilate myself based on societal pressures? Society praises those who are lighter, thinner and have more Euro-centric features. I have struggled to see if my feelings are valid or if this is what I have been taught.

Then there comes the fear that I am being someone's fetish or new experience. Too many times have I been dating someone to be told I am the first black person they have been with, as if that is something to be praised over. I feel like I am their fetish, a new area in which I have not been conquered, a new form of colonization of my body and my spirit. I am not here to be a conquest; I am a person deserving of love and respect.

I believe that you can be pro-black and date outside of the race but you do have to deal with anti-blackness from other people of color and racism from white people when it comes up. That becomes the stressful part. Do you spend your time educating someone on issues of your blackness or do you step away immediately? I believe that is a personal call for everyone but you do have to ask yourself questions.

You have to be admit that you are not dating these people because they represent something you covet. That this person is not going to police members of your communities. They have to understand that it's something that they will not be able to speak on or understand because they are not black. They also have to understand that you are not their token or someone to use in an argument against other black people. Phrases like my partner is black, does not excuse their racism and anti-blackness, but rather reinforces these behaviors.

The way in which you choose to date someone and love someone is not for me to police and vice versa. However, that does not mean step on black people on your own race and devalue the beauty of the black community. Blackness is something to be coveted and admired. It is something to be joyful to be a part of and thankful everyday. Celebrating blackness means uplifting people of your community and not acting as if dating outside of the race is something that makes you better than other black people.