"Guys don't court anymore..Take me out to dinner! Say you're gonna pick me up at a certain time! Dating should be an event, you know? You like the guy, so you want to get pretty for him, so you spend all day, and the spark [ignites]. Whatever happened to that?"- Taraji P. Henson, The Wendy Williams Show

There are so many different opinions we have on dating nowadays, but I wouldn't say any of them are very good- everything from "There aren't any true gentleman out there anymore", to "Every girl is just a th*t now" (That word isn't a swear word technically, but it's just an awful phrase we've come up with). None of these rash generalizations are true, of course, but a large percentage of us young adults have given up on dating entirely because we really do buy into them. Eventually, after a few bad falling outs with a couple people, we close ourselves off to the rest of the fish in the sea, believing they are the same. I'm not just talking about girls either; I know plenty of guys, who despite acting tough, really don't let go of that girl that crushed them. So, what in the world took us from a world where high school sweethearts were a regular happening, to a generation that thrives on situationships?(I can't take credit for that one myself- Fabolous coined it in one of his mixtapes). You know how it is- you fool around for a while, both of you are too afraid to talk about a label, and before you know it the communication dies down and eventually you aren't even friends anymore. It's all too common for us, and the problem started long ago- back in the MySpace days!

You see, with each passing generation, the path to interaction with the opposite sex gets quicker and quicker. After the sexual revolution that was the 70's, moving forward all the way to the somewhat promiscuous culture of the 90's and now into the second decade of the new millennium, where sexuality is quite open and not much thought is given to waiting. If you don't believe me, let me put it like this- I worked at a teen center in my inner city, and knew kids who lost their virginity by the time they were entering high school. As for us, it may not have been purely sexual, but we started "dating" way too young- before we even knew what dating was! I'm not saying this was you, but I'll give you an example. My boys and I all used to do the same thing in middle school, even early high school- we'd get on MySpace and add all the girls from the nearby school districts. Before we knew it, we'd be engaged in long online conversations with girls we had never met, and eventually, we'd arrange to meet. This was our version of "dating"- catching a ride from someone's older brother (because nobody wanted to roll up with their mother when meeting a chick!), meeting at the movie theater and awkwardly waiting in the lobby for the most uncomfortable introduction of your life. Then you'd both sit there watching, never knowing what to say- until you broke that ice, and had enough giggles and such before the vibe was cool enough to finally make a move. Then after the movie you went your separate ways, destined to see each other a maximum of two or three times before you both got bored because you're in middle school and don't have the substance as a person to actually be a partner in a relationship. You see how destructive this really is? Before we become old enough to really figure what we want out of someone, we've already set our expectations low as can be due to our lack of growth and age! It's not that we were bad people for wanting to date so young- it's that we didn't know we were screwing ourselves for the future. I don't even need to get into how reckless it gets if those interactions become deeply sexual- some of us know about that all too well, first hand. I've got a rule that I'd like to propose- maybe not for us, but at least for those who we'll raise up to be the leaders of the next generation.

In my humble opinion, after much personal experience and research, I don't think anyone should date until after high school. Fifty years ago? Not a problem. 2016 and beyond? MAJOR problem. Walk into any local high school and find me a group of students who have enough in their life figured out to know exactly what they want out of the person, what they want to bring to someone else, etc. and I'll call you a liar. If I would have never dated in high school, life would have been so much easier, and the same goes for my ex-girlfriends at that time, unfortunately. For those of you who had positive experiences, I'm not knocking you, I just think that it's so difficult to meet someone that you're going to marry in high school- but that right there is another problem- we don't realize the implications of what dating actually means.

When you date someone, you're either going to marry that person, or you're going to eventually break up. Let that sink in for a minute. What we have done as a people group is blur those lines heavily, and at this point I think many times we just don't care about that fact- we aren't dating in the hopes of finding that special someone. We don't even care if it lasts. We just need to fill a hole created here by something else, perhaps someone else. As a christian, I could preach to you about how you need to fill that hole with Jesus Christ, but why don't we save that for another chapter, where you aren't being force fed anything. Instead, I'll tell you what you already know: dating fills no void in your heart, and when you date broken, you end up even worse. If we could accept that as a generation, most of our problems would go away right there. Beyond that, we need to hold ourselves accountable in being ready to date. We aren't just doing ourselves a disservice when we date out of turn- we're luring someone else directly into a trap. That's not fair to anyone, not even our worst enemies. So this is a checklist of questions we can use to hold each other accountable- to keep each other out of "situaionships," no matter how lonely we maybe. Because dating isn't the cure to loneliness- that comes from above and from within. However, dating when ready is a beautiful thing.

1. Do I really know what I want?

There are grown men and women who can't answer this question, not just us. You'll find them in the club one week and church the next- but always sulking and pouring into everyone around them about how they just need to find the "right person"- well, have you actually thought about what that means? There should be no template that applies to everyone- we all need different things. Some people need vocalists- those who can affirm them with words often. Others need the quiet type, knowing that they often dominate the conversation. Some need the adventurous type- someone who keeps them on their toes at al times, even if they aren't the most organized or detail oriented. Meanwhile, you've got couples who are perfectly happy knowing each other's every move, as they thrive on the stability that creates. The point us, you need to know these things before you make someone prove themselves to you! They can't win if you don't know what you want! Here's probably the most important piece of information when answering this question: it takes time and life experience to know what you really want and need from someone. You just have to live- you have to cry, to win, to lose, to hurt and to celebrate. Once you've seen enough of what this life has to offer you, then you can find out what type of person is best for you. I apologize for the run-on italics, but it really is that important. There's no shame in settling down after 30 because you needed to live a little first!

2. Do I know what I have to offer?

You never hear those people who constantly complain about the single life talking about what they need to improve on: it's always a bunch of miscellaneous reasons why the opposite sex is all a bunch of she-devils or immature little boys! Why is this? Because when we sit down and evaluate what we can bring to the table on our side of a relationship, we often learn some hard truths. In our subconscious, we assume that if we can just find that one person, we'll at least be able to do our part to keep it working. Um, says who? Have you looked at your strengths and weakness as a friend, as a son/daughter, as a brother or sister? Before you start another relationship, you should really gaze into the depths of the relationships you are already a part of, and see how you are treating those people. What do you do exceptionally well that satisfies them? Where have you hurt them the most? What kinds of things are under your control to change and improve in your interaction with them? It is crazy to me that we do not examine these types of things before we consider bringing someone new into our lives- yet I myself have done this so many times. I don't even have to say that this is the hard way of learning about your own faults. Those breakups aren't friendly goodbyes between two people who knew they were headed in different directions- those are painful, tear-filled arguments that to this day hurt those involved to remember. The best way to avoid these is to truly know ourselves before we attempt to learn someone else.

3. Is my lifestyle stable enough to support another person?

By "stable", there are many different meanings that come with the word. Finances are a great place to start- no girl wants to come visit you at your mother's place as a grown man, and you should be able to take her out ever now an then. Beyond that, this really comes into play more so if things get serious- supporting a home together, raising children, etc.- you can't do any of these things well when you've got no income. At the very least you can still be a great partner or parent, but your relationship, your children, your future- these things shouldn't have to suffer because you settled down before your money game was on point. Moving on, being "stable" also means you're ready to let go of some of the crazy adventures you had when you were single. You can't just up and leave your wife at home when your boys want to go out anymore. You can't take a weekend spa vacay just because your homegirl's mom was willing to pay for it. You'll have someone who needs you at that point- who relies on you with each passing day, and that often means sacrificing a big chunk of your social life. This applies even more if you're a big nightlife kind of guy or gal- nobody wants their significant other bar hopping around or in the clubs without them. In fact, if you're not single and in these places without that person, you know you're just tempting yourself! So when I say "stable", you hopefully have reached the point that you are ready to sacrifice some of your fun for the needs of someone else.

4. Is my journey at a place where I can take someone with me, or do I have further to go?

For those of us who aren't living a 9-5 lifestyle, this one's for you. This goes out to the travelers, the artists, the athletes, etc. Some of us have never been in the same place for more than a few years- even if we were, we had way too much to accomplish to be worried about anyone else. As young adults, many of us are still in this place. The cost of ambition, of wanderlust- the cost is that same stability that was referred to last question. When you are pouring yourself entirely into a career, into your life's adventure, into your goals- it's hard to imagine having time to pour into another person. As a professional fighter, this is the hardest question for me. My mother is one of the most successful people I know- moving up from a lowly secretary to having every major real estate player in the area after her in years. However, one of the side effects of her illustrious accomplishments is that they kept her from truly settling down until her early 30's. For her, that's no problem- she's always been independent and strong. Yet for some of us, that's a long time to be on your own, and I feel your pain. We can't deny that it is unfair to bring someone else into our lives when our dreams and goals are not yet met. Trust me when I say that when you are an ambitious person, opportunities to date will always be there. Your dreams will not. Many times, you just can't do both until you are at a more established place in your life. Therefore, sometimes you've just got to make the hard choice between either a relationship, or the next steps leading to what you want for yourself.

We live in a go-go time period, so I wanted to keep that list short and sweet. However by simply asking ourselves these questions, we can bring much truth to our lives, and ensure that we are dating with the right timing and right intentions. Not every group of children has to keep declining in their value of courtesy and respect. The only way we can change the dating scene for ourselves and for those who will come after us, is to first change ourselves.