This article is equally as hard to write as it's going to be to read.
This is your trigger warning now- for those who deal with anxiety and depression. What I'm going to talk about are going to be things very triggering to some people.
I promise to be 100% honest and true and to keep my emotions as raw as possible.
My girlfriend is a rape victim. We've never really gone public about this being as this was less than a year ago. But she wants awareness to be shared and so we have both decided to go public about this- because not only is it hard to BE a rape victim but to be in love with a rape victim.
Two weeks before my girlfriend and I started dating, she was raped.
We were living together at this time and although we weren't dating- we were sharing a bed because we were very close friends and frankly I liked her apartment better than mine, so, I lived with her and she always wanted us to just share a twin sized bed rather than me sleep on the couch.
I remember she came home, the night it happened and did not want to be touched or really talked to at all.
I slept on the floor- she didn't want me sleeping on the couch because I made her feel safe and she still wanted me close by.
She didn't want anyone much less me to touch her for two whole weeks- which was completely understandable.
Those two weeks were incredibly hard- I was completely in love with this girl- she didn't know it but I was. My love language has always been the love of touch- so trying to help someone you care so much about but not being able to touch them was tough. I spent a lot of time calling out of work to take care of her, going to buy her simple things such as ice cream, candy, and flowers. We would watch her favorite movies and shows- we ordered pizza and wings quite a lot too.
One night she couldn't sleep- and she asked me to hold her- this would be the first time she touched me in two whole weeks. So I held her- and during this time she confessed her love for me and I of course confessed it right back. I remember I didn't go to sleep at all that night- despite my 6:00am clock in time, I wanted to make sure she slept okay- and quite frankly I couldn't stop smiling. And the rest was history.
But just because she finally had me after months of wanting to be where we are right now, does not mean we had this fairy tale love. I mean yes it's a fairy tale- but being a rape victim is never the fairy tale you want. This isn't what she wanted- she wanted me- not all this hurt that will never go away.
This isn't trying to bash her. The purpose of this is to show everyone that mental illness's do exist- and that not everyone with a true mental illness is crazy and should be sent away. Severe anxiety and depression disorder is an illness just like the stomach flu is and any other illness. It needs to be treated with love and care.
When she wakes up- you never know what kind of day it is. It could be the happiest day ever or it could be as if that day is happening all over again. Or she could wake up and be fine or as the day goes on it just becomes unbearable for her to do a simple task like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich (which are her favorites).
Happy activities like going to the movies or for us- going to Universal and Disney World, can turn into nightmares because of the crowds and people.
It's important to tell her that none of this in any way was her fault- and it's important to remind her that she is and will be okay- and that she's safe.
But sometimes she doesn't want to hear that at all.
I've known plenty of times where she gets more upset because I tell her she's okay or that it isn't her fault.
Sometimes she needs to realize for herself that it wasn't her fault- none of it was.
You also need to realize that it wasn't your fault either. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. There are just sick and absolutely disgusting, vile, people in this world and it makes me incredibly sick to even think about it.
You also need to realize that she is going to hold this with her for the rest of her life.
Yes. it will get better but it will never get easier.
There are still times when I touch my girlfriend and she is not comfortable with me.
AND THAT IS OKAY.
Don't push it when she doesn't want to be touched because then you're just doing the same thing the attacker did to her.
It is very common for her to have more panic and anxiety attacks.
This isn't "unhealthy" or that she's crazy.
This is a very hard time- and even the littlest things like the cookies not coming out the way she wanted them to, could set her off.
Just seclude her from others and let her know that she's safe.
What helps with us is that I tell her to slow her breathing and I breathe with her.
Breathing- Over time this becomes the key to access in healing. To stop and focus on your heartbeat and lungs. By doing this- it is a reminder that no matter how violated you feel, you're alive. You still have a purpose and a blank canvas, awaiting your color of emotions. With each breath you remember the purpose in which you hold.
My girlfriend remembers best, in the moment the incident occurred, how her breathing quickened but also how her throat seemed to clog up, blocking all air. In those moments, her biggest fear became, "What if these are my last breaths?" but slowly turned to, "I want this to end. Maybe I deserve it."
When people hear, "take a deep breath" I think they naturally roll their eyes and do so. However, what people don't know is that for victims of all kinds - breathing can sometimes be the hardest part.
To know that they will forever be a victim.
Victims who haven't found true love out there- it's out there and waiting for you.
YOU deserve LOVE.
You're NOT unlovable- you are completely lovable and loved already.
True unfathomable love.
Your story isn't over.
If you or someone you know is a victim of rape and needs your help, he or she can call the Crisis center RAINN hotline:1-800-656-HOPE .
You are worthy of love.
And YOU are not alone.
