I’ve never really been one to argue about the patriarchal system that we as humans live in; it just hasn’t really been a priority of mine. However, this semester I’m taking Intro to Women and Gender studies, and it has made me question some things that probably should be questioned. Specifically things that cause women to be considered inferior, passive, vulnerable, and/or crazy. For example, in the world of love and relationships, women, unfortunately, are thrown all these negative words for the same actions that cause men to receive praise. Why does love, one of the greatest things on earth, also play a huge part in the patriarchal system?

We’ve all seen the “romantic” movies where the leading man never gives up on the girl no matter how many times she denies his advances because he just knows that they are meant to be. And eventually all her friends tell her “maybe she should just go for it?” Now let’s switch the roles: imagine if it was a girl that kept randomly bumping into him, or calling him, or showing up to his place unannounced. She’d be called a stalker, right? Yeah, she would and don’t try to deny it. She would be considered crazy and all his friends would judge her and pressure the guy to get a restraining order. There is nothing different about these two situations except the change in gender roles.

Another example would be with what people call “clinginess.” Say you’re a straight girl and your boyfriend texts you “good morning” first thing when he wakes up, always asks to hang out, and tells you how pretty you are and how much he adores you. Your boyfriend would be considered the sweetest thing ever and would win the best boyfriend award. Now if this was a girl, she would be called clingy and suffocating. What is so wrong with a girl who loves to see her boyfriend and wants him to feel loved?! Nothing. Why is one okay and the other is frowned upon? Why can’t girls profess their love every day but guys can?

In my last relationship, if I expressed my feelings of doubt, hurt, anxiety, sadness, or even cried, it would stress him out. This caused me to never want to be open with my feelings with him — I was afraid they would push him away or he’d see me as overly emotional. On the other hand, I liked when he expressed his thoughts and feelings with me. I was glad he trusted me enough with them and wasn’t afraid to share. I never wanted him to feel scared to share or feel bad about sharing them. I wanted to be there for him, and I was. Why did I do this? Why did I fear my thoughts/feelings but revel when he shared his? Well, society has ingrained in our minds that women who are open with their emotions and don’t fear sharing, are emotional and/or unstable. Men, however, are seen as brave when they share with their girlfriend. They’re seen as humble and trustworthy — the ideal boyfriend. Why is it that the ideal girlfriend doesn’t have insecurities or never cries, but the ideal boyfriend is in touch with his feelings and feels no shame in sharing?

Another double standard in the world of dating is this idea of forwardness. When it comes to dating, guys are encouraged to be forward – asking the girl for her number, asking her out, making the first move, contacting her first, saying “I love you” first. If he’s not forward, he’s seen as unconfident or less of a man. However, if a woman is forward, she’s seen as a slut or desperate. Okay…well maybe the guy is shy and the girl is an extrovert? What’s so wrong with that? That’s exactly how my last relationship started and I wouldn’t change a thing. Asking someone out isn’t a desperate act, so why when women do it, is it considered so?

I’ve asked a lot of questions so far and have provided no answers. Well, unfortunately, there are no answers. I don’t know why there are double standards in the field of relationships. However, I do know that it’s up to us as women –and even men – to beat down these stereotypes. As a girl who is extremely forward, I don’t plan on changing my dating behavior. What I do hope to change is the male perspective on my behavior. If I could convince at least one man — or traditional woman — that forward women aren’t desperate and loving women aren’t clingy, then I will have done my part. It’s up to you to do your part in changing these negative stereotypes of women who date. Dating should be about standards…but not the double kind.