There are times in one's life when you can be extremely happy with where you are personally. Then, you find someone to share that happiness with, maybe even for an extended period of time. You get to break out the "l word" (And I do not mean "lesbians" for all you Scott Pilgrim fans.) and maybe you end up staying with this person forever.

We call that dating.

That is quite an abridged version of the concept, but that covers the bases. It sees pretty simple for anyone to understand, right? You find someone to be happy with and make a future for yourselves together. Everything is hunky-dory, you get married, happily ever after.

I hate to say it, but that's not the case with a majority of transgender people.

It's not that trans people can't be happy with their relationships. It's just that relationships are confusing for both parties involved. For whatever reason, people think that gender and sexuality are inextricably linked. They are not in any way. Your gender is how you identify yourself. Sexuality is how you feel romantically towards others (or not, in some cases.) So keeping that in mind, I'll explain some of the difficulties of dating as a trans person, some from my own experiences, some from others.

First off, there are doubts that trans people themselves have. There are questions that arise about their sexuality, now they question their gender. Before I came out as a trans, I was very into men and occasionally women. Despite that, I was put into the "straight" box because I hadn't really done anything with a woman at all and was doing things with guys all the time. After I had come out, I knew that I still really liked guys. Part of me thought that was wrong. My thought process was "I'm a guy now, therefore, I should like girls." Obviously, that thought process is very flawed and hypocritical. You can like whoever you want, no matter who you are. I always told my trans friends that after they came out and doubted their sexuality. Yet, here I was doubting my choices. The "gay" label didn't really bother me at all. It bothered me that there would be people who knew me before coming out and they wouldn't see the changes made to myself because I still chased guys. Then, after many a restful nap next to someone, I just got over it. I remember waking up the guy next to me and saying "Hey, I'm gay" and then the following reaction of "I know, man. Go back to sleep."

So, yeah. If you didn't know, I'm a nice gay guy and proud of it too.

It also has to do with how we as trans people appear to others. I know some trans women are put under scrutiny because they have a dress and heels on, a decent amount of makeup and a wig, maybe even some kind of padding in the chest department, but something about them still says "That's a man" to someone. (We call that "clocking" among ourselves.) Then the date, or any situation, can just goes downhill from there. She can be called a lair or other derogatory terms for just being who she is and being proud enough to show it. Then she could start to doubt coming out as trans in the first place. I know one friend who thought that since she was always being clocked in public that no one would love her because "I'm still a man to them. I put on clothes they would like their wives to wear and suddenly I become an imposter." I remember telling her that there are indeed people who do not judge on looks, but on personality and that she had a great one. She would find someone who loved her, despite everything. Now, she does indeed have a partner of her own who loves her, who doesn't think that she is a man dressing up in women's clothes.

Everything requires some explanation to those who don't know that you are transgender or are unsure of what to do knowing that you are transgender. Some men think that if they date a trans woman, they are gay and the very thought of being gay abhors him so much that he'll warn every guy he knows about "him." Or maybe someone will go on a date with a trans person and when they know the person across the table is trans, they try to get them to change their mind.

I'm not saying that trans people can never find someone who will love them. The deck may be stacked against them a little bit, but there is always a chance of finding someone who will love them as much as they love themselves. Sometimes, I even find it hard to believe because I don't have someone who could even be remotely considered as a partner.

Yet, here I am.

I'm still going to look for an ideal man who doesn't mind me having some more in the chest department or having a pet greyhound. There's no reason for other trans people to stop looking for a life partner because other trans people aren't finding a life partner or because they haven't found one yet. Life finds a way and love works the same way.