He came and left within a two-week timeframe. You thought it'd be different, he'd be different. It felt different, but it wasn't different. It's the same recycled lines. The same cowardice copouts.
"What do you want out of this?"
"I don't want to date anyone."
"I'm in college, I'm just having fun."
This is not to say that anyone should feel forced or pressured to settle down in college, but why start something you never intended to finish? Why is dating off limits? Why is it taboo? Why is it a bad thing? What is wrong with feelings? With emotions? Why is everything fine until someone cares too much? What is fun about a new girl in your bed every week? Where is the fun in only getting to know someone at surface level? The truth is that no one truly wishes to be alone, yet the one that bears the most of their soul is the one that loses. It's a sick, twisted game of who can care less. The winner obtains a trophy for being the most heartless of the two.
You become conditioned to playing and winning this game. But the loneliness ensues you. Reality hits. You care. You care that he came into your life and took part of you with him. You care about that night he laid next to you and held you while you slept. You care about the conversations exchanged between the two of you. You care that he promised not to hurt you when he had every intention of shattering you. You care about the night he got too drunk to let you know he made it home. You care about the night that you watched him go home with her. This repeats over and over and over. Until you feel that all that you can feel from someone is emptiness. Everyone's intentions are empty and gutless. Every mind you attract is manufactured to leave. Every face you see is temporary.
You lose hope. You shut down. You cry. You feel stupid. You feel worthless.
Generic. Unnoteworthy. Ugly.
Used. Played. Broken.
All that runs through your mind is that maybe if you weren't you he'd want you. Maybe if I hadn't said that. Maybe if I'd worn that. Maybe if I'd gone out with him that night. What if I was more interesting? If I bit my tongue more. If I did what she did. Would he like me more? The sad reality is that you throw yourself away simply because some faint-of-heart boy says he doesn't want you. But you aren't the one that should feel discouraged or embarrassed. You were the one that showed your heart, you opened your mind, you showed emotion. You should be proud to have feeling left in your heart. You should be proud to be you. He is the coward. He is scared. He is not the excuses he makes. He's a skeleton of the man he thinks he is. He is scared he could fall in love with someone as beautiful as you. He doesn't know what he'd do if he were to lose you. He's not ready and he's not worth a second of your time, let alone a mascara stain on your face.
Hold tight, you're young. You will find someone who will put all of these boys to shame.
