Dear Journal,

I had trouble charging my suit again today. My arm got overcharged and I accidently strangled a guy with the force. Usually I like to just give a warning choke but the overcharged arm kind of made it difficult to stop.

Dear Journal,

The Sith Lord Skyped with me during lunch today. His face is so shriveled it’s hard to eat sometimes. I think I threw up in my mask a little. It got in my harmonica.

Dear Journal,

I tried to play hide and seek with a few of the men today… I hid in the dining room but I lost because of my obnoxiously loud breathing. Maybe I’ll try and hide in the garbage chute tomorrow. It can’t smell that bad in there.

Later that day….

Why didn’t anyone tell me there was a hairy one-eyed trash monster in the garbage chute?? I could’ve died! There is a crazy freaky monster in the garbage chute. It’s got hair and tentacles and who knows what else. I’ll make sure to put the prisoner’s quarters next to that garbage chute.

Dear Journal,

The engineering meeting was boring today. The designer of the Death Star suggested we leave a giant hole in it. Seemed like a good idea to me, I mean, how are the rebels going to find THAT hole? Besides, I don’t think shooting one shot in the hole will make the Death Star self-destruct.

Dear Journal,

Those strange small black boxes that roll around on the floor of the Death Star are still taunting me. I still have no idea what they are for. One tripped me today so I kicked it against the wall and pretty soon I had a squad of Storm Troopers shooting at me. Good thing they can’t hit a dang thing.

Dear Journal,

Today I forgot to turn my light saber off when I stuck it back in my belt. Since most of my limbs are fake, I was unable to feel the heat of the blade and because of this suction cupped helmet I couldn’t hear the constant buzz. As I walked around the Death Star I accidentally chopped off a few people’s legs.

Dear Journal,

So the Death Star got blown up today. Turns out I do have a son, and he blew it up in one shot. Can’t decide whether to be proud or just feel stupid for agreeing to the blueprint.

Dear Journal,

We started rebuilding the Death Star, and I think I found a good place to put the shield generator. It’s a planet full of little care-bears. Honestly it cracks me up what planets exist. Those bears couldn’t possibly defeat us…

Dear Journal,

The bears defeated us. Honestly, my Storm Troopers are useless. It was so humiliating I decided to sacrifice myself for my son and now I’m writing from the afterlife. Unfortunately, it looks like I’m still stuck in this world with Obi-wan so I can mentor my son. Blast. What does it take to get to Jedi Heaven these days??