As the days get shorter and the nights seem to last forever, I often take time to reflect upon what direction I’m going in, and how sometimes, the days feel like they’ll never end.

My seasonal depression rears its ugly head again and again, without fail, once the night begins to melt into the day. It has been like this for as long as I remember; from the early high school mornings when I woke up to a black sky. It’s an emptiness I haven’t felt in years, and I struggle to climb out of bed when the daylight slips away.

The fact is that I love the nighttime. I always have, and I often find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning, wondering where the time went. I’ve never been type of person to wake up bright and early, ready to start my day and face the world. I’d much rather sleep until noon, and drag myself out of bed with the promise of hot coffee and something to eat. It’s not that I don’t love the sky when it’s at its darkest, when you can see stars brighter than the street lights around you. It’s not the night’s fault. It’s the absence of light when you least expect it. Once we set our clocks back an hour, and the sun sets at 4 pm every day, it feels like you’ve lost a part of something you never noticed you had before. It’s like a chunk of yourself is missing, and I lose more of myself with each minute spent in the dark.

It’s unsettling to watch the sunset, remembering that there are still hours left in the day that are spent in complete darkness. Most days, I lay in bed, the blinds drawn, every light on, and still feel like I’ll be trapped forever, and the darkness will never end.

Then the spring comes, and the light is back. It’s then that I realize it was never gone to begin with. It hides, for a while, but always manages to come back. With the coming of the spring, I am myself again. I have not lost myself to the darkness, and it can never fully consume me.

So I wait. Even as I sit in the dark and pray for change to come, pray to feel anything, I know it will be back, eventually. I turn all my lights on and get in bed, and wait for the light to come back into my life.