When I was nine, you and I were bagging up food for a food drive that you ran every Thanksgiving at church. I was working next to you in the line and I watched each movement of yours become slower and slower until you told me you loved me and walked away. When I was done bagging I looked around the entire church for you. People were whispering that something was wrong but whenever I walked by them I only heard silence. When I found mom she told me you didn’t get enough sleep that night and that you went home to rest, I knew that I did not believe that but I convinced myself that I did.
When I was 10, I was playing with my Littlest Pet Shop toys in my bedroom and I kept hearing the doorbell ring about 50 times, but I ignored. I kept playing until Mom came and knocked on my door and told me that some of your friends were over and that you and Mom wanted to talk to me. When I walked down the hall into the kitchen my sisters head was dropped. The kitchen was full of faces, some I knew and some I didn’t. You told me to come sit on your lap at the counter and I did. You and mom explained to me that you had Cancer and you were very sick. While the room fell silent I did not. I said, “Oh that’s okay! I’ll be right back I know what you need.” I ran to my room and grabbed my stuffed leopard that I named Tiger and Ibuprophen from the bathroom Cabinet. As I hurried back into the kitchen I jumped on your lap and gave you what I had grabbed and people started to cry. You told me that Cancer was different but I did not understand because I had never heard of it before. You kissed me on the head and the entire room bowed their heads to pray. I did not understand what was happening, but little did I know how much the words ‘Cancer’ would change my life from that moment on for the rest of my life.
When I was 11-12, I spent every night at a different persons house while you and Mom stayed the night at different hospitals. I was grateful that people were letting me into their families but I missed my sense of home. I missed family dinners and waiting until Mom fell asleep so you and I could watch "Boston Legal" and "Criminal Minds." I prayed to come home, and my wish would soon come true in the worst way possible.
When I was 13, Mom pulled me aside with a doctor at the hospital in a little room down the hall from you. The doctor told me that they had done everything they could do for you and they were sending you home. I remember screaming and crying. Why couldn’t the doctor’s do their job? They were supposed to make you better that’s why we have spent the last two years in hospitals to make you better. Why didn’t they make you better? Why were they giving up? But you were calm, you smiled and hugged me and told me everything was okay and that I needed to have a calm heart, so I tried to, for you.
We went home and I spent the summer sleeping next to your hospital bed on the carpet floor in the front room of our house. Every night I would sing to you until I feel asleep and that was the highlight of my summer. Every morning you kept pushing me out the door to go play softball games because you thought that is what I wanted, but I only wanted to spend time with you.
On July 25, it was a Saturday, God called you home. I was in too much shock to grieve, I would do that later when no one was around. The house became full of people, I don’t think you ever knew how many people you made an impact on and I hope you know now. The house became so packed I couldn’t even push my way through the hall to my bedroom so I took the guitar out of the basement and hid in the treehouse you build me and learned to play guitar until it got too dark and I could hear my mom yelling for me.
When I was 14, I kept playing softball because I knew you wanted me to. In 2010, I won NSA diving catch of the year. Everyone signed the ball and when they tossed it to me I thought I would feel like I was on top of the world, but I cried. In that moment, I realized if you weren’t standing by first base I didn’t want to get a hit to get there, and if I won an award you always dreamed I would win I didn’t want it unless you were standing next to me accepting it with me. I did not try out for the team the following year and people said terrible things to me about it, calling me a wasted talent etc. I know you were there for me even though you were not physically here. You believed in me in every decision I made, that decision may not have been what you would have made but once I did it I know you saw who I became and knew it was the right decision.
Fast forward to 16 and in High School, I went to my first dance. All the girls were all standing in ball gowns and when I looked past the flashing cameras I saw that everyone's Dad was there with a proud smile looking at how beautiful their daughters had become, but you weren't there. In that moment, I knew I did not want to go to the dance but I knew Mom wanted me to so I went, but I never went again.
Fast forward, I am now 20-years-old. I am in college and double majoring in elementary education and special education, I hope that makes you proud. I moved out! Although most weeks I happen to casually stop at mom's around dinner time since I don't have any money to eat. I know she knows, but she never says anything negative she just sets me a seat. You sure did pick a great wife dad she is the absolute best. My friends are getting engaged, married and having kids. In addition, the fear everyone has of those things I have a large sense of sadness thinking about my future because you won't be there.
I want you to know you are my hero. I try to be like you every single day in every decision I make. When bad news hits me I remember your strength and I face the problems head on. When good times are happening I rejoice in them and never take a moment for granted. When I do have kids, someday, I will frame your picture and tell them all the amazing stories about you.
I miss you more every day and I wish you were here, but I know you are where you need to be and I will see you someday again.
P.S. When I get there, wait for me at the gates with a softball glove, a ball and two arms ready to give me one of your famous Bear Hugs. I love you.
