This past week, I drove a solid seven hours to visit my extended family in upstate New York. My cousin had a beautiful child about a year ago, and looking at her take care of her daughter, there is no doubt about the unconditional love between the two. There is something that makes this love even more special, and that is the fact that my cousin was told that the odds of her having a child were little to none because of her PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome)--a symptom of this is that you literally do not ovulate, and therefore, you do not menstruate. She spoke to me about how often people told her “you’re so lucky!” for not menstruating, completely ignoring the fact that it left her in emotional distress to not be able to conceive.
On the topic of childbearing, a friend I went to high school with was diagnosed with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a hereditary disease that affects the connective tissue. I remember her describing the potential process of pregnancy as undeniably unsettling: essentially, specialists would have to create prosthetic connective tissue for her during her pregnancy, and consistently update said connective tissue as the fetus continues to grow. She insisted with all of her might, however, that she would have a child nonetheless! After the talk with my cousin, I decided to reach out to my friend about the topic once more. She has since left the idea of having children due to the complications involved, and the fact that there is a chance she would pass on EDS. While nobody may have told her that she was lucky for anything she was experiencing, I cannot help but think the constant barrage of “it’s not worth it to have kids” that she experienced, including from myself, led to her dropping the idea of having children (or rather, the idea of conceiving naturally).
Women expect their ability to naturally conceive and go through childbirth. That option is always expected to be there. People with the ability to conceive oftentimes do not comprehend the importance of it, whether they want kids or not. To belittle the idea of having children to somebody whose top goal is to have children is hurtful and wrong. To quote my friend with EDS, “When people can’t [naturally conceive and give birth], whether it be with complications of any kind, it leaves people feeling like lesser humans or defective because it is deemed as easy and normal.”
Let’s take care of this, shall we, society? Childbearing may be part of the normal cycle of life, but realistically, it is a gift to be cherished, whether you utilize it or not.
