From the time that we’re children, we’re taught to expect a lot from love. We’re taught that we’ll meet “the one”, that our Prince Charming will come or that we’ll run off to rescue the princess and she’ll fall in love with us. That’s great for stories, but that’s not how real life works. I’m not saying that in a pessimistic way — I love love. I’m a sucker for fairy tale endings and cheesy romance movies. I think a lot of people get a bit of a skewed idea of what love is supposed to be. On the whole, a lot of us over-romanticize love.
That probably sounds a bit funny, I know. Because of course love is supposed to be romanticized, that’s why it’s synonymous with romance. I get that. I think that a lot of people, myself most definitely included, forget sometimes that while love can be amazing and romantic and make things a lot better if it’s done right, it’s not inherently perfect. Love isn’t perfect and I’m willing to bet that your partner won’t be perfect either. That's not a bad thing though because none of us are perfect. We just need to find people with imperfections that complement ours.
My Facebook and Twitter feeds are filled with posts from people wanting to find “the one,” and I know that a lot of us out there want to end up with someone with whom we can happily share our lives. There’s nothing wrong with that. I think the problem is that in our heads we have this vision of meeting someone, getting that gut feeling and just knowing that they’re the right one for us, getting into a relationship and then one day boom you’ve got a house and a dog and you’ve been married for years already. We all want the end product without thinking about the work it takes to get there.
Relationships are hard work. They’re rewarding and that hard work should pay off most of the time, but they take a lot of effort and energy. It’s not as simple as kissing the princess, waking her from her sleep that has lasted years, and riding off into the sunset. It’s not about fighting dragons and getting help from fairy godmothers. Our culture, from the literature we read, to the movies and TV shows that we watch, paint such a glamorous picture of what love is or what love “should be.”
In reality, at the end of the day the person you fall in love with is just the person that even when they’re annoying the life out of you, even if you’re mad at them and don’t want to talk to them, they’re still the person that wants to know about how your day went, and you want to know about theirs. Relationships aren’t only about the gifts, the flowers, and the grand gestures. Those are things that you and your partner will remember, sure. Realistically, building a relationship with someone is about learning about each other, that way you know what comfort food to buy or make when they’re having a bad day or week. It’s knowing that this is the third time this week you’ve gotten angry with your boss over the same thing but they listen to you vent about it anyway. It’s the late-night conversations or the mid-day phone calls of frustration that really shape your relationship for the long-run.
When you find the person that you’re going to spend your life with, it’s not going to be because they have no imperfections. It’s not going to be because they paint pictures with all the colors that they see in your eyes, or whatever. It’s going to be because they’ve become your best friend because they’ve seen you at your worst and stayed beside you until you got to a better place. It’s going to be because they’ve seen you act a little nuts, probably embarrass yourself (and them) on multiple occasions, but they wouldn’t have it any other way.
At the end of the day, the person you end up with isn’t going to be perfect, but they’re going to be the right person for you. There will be fights, there will be yelling and slamming doors. There will also be laughter and hugs and kisses, inside jokes that you remember from years before. Love isn’t about constant butterflies and being forever showered in gifts. It’s about being comfortable enough with the person that you could see yourself spending your life with them even when life isn’t going that great for the two of you.
Love isn’t going to do the work for you in your relationship, so stop expecting it to. To make a romantic relationship work you need love, yes, but you also need commitment, honesty, loyalty, and communication. Love isn’t what we were taught as little kids from our bedtime stories. The unchangeable reality is that it takes a lot more work than that. So cut Love a little bit of slack. It won’t do all the work for you; you can’t sit passively by and expect things to magically fall into place. We aren’t princes and princesses, but if we look, and if we try, we can end up with people who put those stories to shame.
