Crystals and their abilities to heal metaphysically are becoming increasingly popular, especially among millennials newly introduced to the power of the gems. Certain crystals align with the zodiac signs as well as the months of the year. Almost everyone knows his or her birth month gemstone, but do you know your birth month crystal? Inquire below!
1. January - This Rock
This rock is dark, so you probably tan easily. The downside of that is that you were born in January, a month during which you probably cannot tan using the sun if you live in the Northern Hemisphere of the Earth, which means you probably rely on local tanning shops to supply you with a bottle of tingly fluid and a bed made of lightbulbs to indulge in your tan, or worse, self-tanning solutions. All this means that you are probably fake, which means you are not real, which means you are a mannequin. If you are an animal, this article was not written for you. If you are a toaster, this article was not written for you, and I do not understand how you are using an electronic device.
2. February - THIS Rock
THIS rock signifies a steadfast loyalty to whatever seems hip at the time. THIS rock is disgusted by most popular things, which is always popular among THESE rocks. Many of THESE rocks live out of sight of the public eye and call it "DIY" while bringing attention to the fact that no attention is brought to them. No information is known about THIS rock other than the information here, and as you can see, you're clearly a hypocrite.
3. March - Jack Pine Cone
You are from Canada. Unlike the longleaf pine cone, you are not an endangered species of the Southeastern region of the United States rarely found in virgin growth forests as a result of significant harvesting during the 19th century. No,you have conquered one third of the Canadian state, which is almost as far as the Byzantine Empire made it. You are stubborn and require being set on fire to open up to others. Unfortunately, you live in Canada and will never leave the country (thank the pine gods). Canada is where all the snow in the world is, so no fires can be set, as ruled by the World Snow Protection Agency (WSPA). Snow is humanity's only resource for snow blindness, and we must preserve this reservoir of abundance while we can, so we can always send our enemies to lose their vision and bump into grizzly bears.
4. April - A Camera
Not just any camera: the camera. You are the Nikon Coolpix L24 14MP Digital Camera: 14.0 Megapixels for superb image quality, 3.6x Optical Zoom-NIKKOR Glass Lens for sharp clear pictures, big, bright 3.0-inch LCD for easy viewing and sharing, easy auto mode simply point and shoot, high quality TV movies with sound. You are red. You are sleek. You take photos of yourself, which is why you're a camera. You are narcissistic. You cannot post these photos to Facebook for others to adore because cameras do not have hands. You have been archived on Nikon's website and are only available through second-party sellers, like Amazon, for which you will pay too much for yourself to be able to take photos of yourself at which only you can look for the rest of your short camera life.
5. May - Set of Three (3) Harry Potter Wine Glasses
You are not shot glasses because you are classier than to be slighted by a small glass of liquor. You are tall and confident and full of boxed wine, and there are three of you -- one for each hour you wait after dinner for your husband, who always seems to work late recently. As a result, you go through a lot of boxed wine. You go through as many dishwasher cycles, and as a result, some of your paint has begun to chip because you're just three plastic bargain wine glasses someone painted with Walmart Apple Barrel acrylic paint and sold on Etsy for $25 each.
6. June - Permanent Hair Dye in an "Alternative" Color
You're too edgy for this.
7. July - 1978 Bandit Edition Pontiac Trans Am
Your name means "trans-american," which means you like to travel, but your gas mileage is about thirteen. Consequently, your motto is "Live fast, run out of gas in 300 miles (and spend fifty dollars on premium grade gas to fuel your high octane spirit)." In addition, you're from what we whippersnappers call the Old School. You resist change, refusing to move into the age of cell phones, electronic music, renewable energy and, dear god, hybrid cars. You'll be revving your four liter 454 until the tires are bald, the paint on your fenders spiderwebs and the gold pinstripes along your sides fade, and heads up: you won't be able to replace your parts because every original equipment manufacturer takes orders through their websites.
8. August - Florence Welch's Microphone
You have been around the globe, whether by choice or not. You're laid back and easy to get along with, so it doesn't really matter to you where you're toted. You are kept in a plush velvet case when not mere inches from Florence's food hole, and that's the way you like it. As a matter of fact, that's the way you like most things: dark, intimate and lonely. How you got the job as Florence Welch's microphone is known to the singing gods alone, but you're not complaining.The pay is good, and the only downside is having to thoroughly disinfect every night after an hour of being breathed upon by the flame-haired goddess of indie rock. Come to think of it, there was an after party last night, and you can't remember if you wiped down with Clorox before sliding into your tiny coffin. Another plus is the fact that the rockstar lifestyle provides sumptuously for your rampant alcoholism.
9. September - Sand from the Gobi Desert
Not much is known about from where you came or for how long you've been blowing around in northern China/southern Mongolia. It's like you've always been there, a steadfast, silent deity readily devouring turned around travelers in exchange for not expanding your reign farther into Asia. Since Marco Polo, humans have long been in awe of your half-hearted attempts to communicate through the low frequency groan of your shifting dunes, but they never seem to be interested enough in your dominance to construct temples in your honor, which is sort of a low blow, honestly. That being said, you are kind of explosive most of the time. During summer, your temperatures can reach 122 degrees Fahrenheit, and in winter, your weather drops to almost minus forty. You can sort of understand why you welcome no sane visitors. On the other hand, what's a little sunburn or ice?
10. October - A Prehistoric Bird
You hail from Africa, which is more than you can say for the November babies. From the front, you're no nonsense. You mean business, like a big-nosed professor peering down at a lazy student over spectacles. Your profile speaks a different language. A side view reveals tufts of surprisingly useful steel blue feathers that stick out at multiple angles. Although you weigh about twelve pounds, you can actually fly. However, your true talent shines when you open your big mouth and clatter it together in rapid succession, creating a sound reminiscent of stacked heels on concrete or a jackhammer or a Gatling gun. You often perform this feat while others are speaking, and this can go on for minutes at a time until everyone has stopped making any kind of noise and has trained their full attention on you.
11. November - Behr Exterior Paint and Primer in "Ultra Pure White"
You're named after an animal, but you've never seen a wild animal in your life, other than the three golden retrievers that chase cars and pedestrians up and down the cast iron fence that marks the start of your expansive property. You worked hard from the day you turned sixteen to build your personal American dream -- or rather, buy it. A two-story Southern plantation home, constructed from 1787-1790 and including the original wallpaper and bloodstained and rotting hardwood flooring. You have yet to remodel anything, even the rusted plumbing, preferring to pay out the wazoo for air conditioning and electricity and progressing your lead poisoning every time you shower. Your surname, "Ultra Pure White," has ties to every western European country, and you once paid for genetic testing to be able to recite to the thousandth decimal point exactly how white you are. Just like wild animals, you have never met nor seen a person with darker skin that your own because you have never left the southern United States. In fact, you have never left the plantation property because, in actuality, you were willed this home, the dogs, and the surrounding land by your late grandfather, Colonel Sanders. If you did, by chance, happen upon someone who possessed more melanin than you, you would probably keel over, leaving the house, dogs, and surrounding property to your sixteen year old son.
12. December - A Generic Rejection Letter
You are firm and to the point. You get around a lot; most people see you at least ten times before they meet an acceptance letter, at which point you never seen them again, which is fine by you. There are more fish in the sea. The downside of being a rejection letter: predictability and commonality. You exist in multitudes, being that you are written according to a general rejection letter template. As a result, you're often crunched up and shot like a basketball into a trashcan in the corner of the room long before your well wishes are presented. People never really get to know the real you, but at least you're getting paid to deliver tough news.
13. BONUS - The Void
If you were not born...
Congratulations. You don't just reside in the Void. You are the Void. Your mass-less, ever-moving black tendrils welcome daily a steady stream of humans, animals, and toasters that find this reality a little overwhelming. Those ready for a change need only call you forward to generate your magnetizing gaze anywhere they might be. One pro of being the Void: convenience. There are no contracts with the Void. There are no conversations or take-backs, once an individual has shouted into the crowded street, empty room, mirror, dog house, or kitchen around them, "I AM READY TO EMBRACE THE VOID."
