you probably think you know Spider-Man. "oh sure", you say. "I've loved ol' webhead since the first movie. Heck, even before!" Well, if you only know Spider-Man from the movies and/or various TV shows, you don't really know how bizarre this hero can get. Here's some crazy shit that went down in the comics that you probably never heard about.
1. That time Peter Parker turned into a for real spider man.
So, in 2004, there was a brief story line called "Changes". Here's a brief description from the
Peter and his wife MJ go to a friend's wedding, not knowing that the bride is an ancient evil known as the Spider-Queen, who has married MJ's friend so that her new father-in-law would give her a spider statue that she uses to turn everyone at the wedding into spider-creatures.
I actually read this story line, and I STILL had to double check that I was reading that right. That's absolute insanity. quick, take a look at this picture if you don't believe me; spoiler alert, everything ends up ok, but this is how Peter ended up with organic web slingers for a little bit! So that's neat, I guess. but also mostly gross.
2. That time Peter was cloned.
Ok, I might have fibbed a little bit. There's not just one Peter clone webbing around NYC, there have been SIX SPECIFIC CLONES, to say nothing of the literal army of clones oncecreated from the genes of Peter Parker. That's three bad guys, 2 heroes, and one corpse in a smokestack. And those heroes are still doing their thing, with Ben Reilly and Kaine Parker taking up the Scarlet Spider mantle and fighting street crime, Kraven, the Inheritors, and more. Dolly the sheep, eat your heart out.
3. That time Peter jizzed Mary Jane to death
There's no delicate way to put this. Spidey, ya got radioactive swimmers. After finally getting MJ, he went and literally gave her cancer with his semen. Let that sink in for a moment. There is a comic. Where they discuss. Spider-Man's semen.
The absurdity of this is made all the sweeter with the questions it opens up. How does Superman manage to have sex? Does Bruce Wayne need to dress up in costumes to get it up? Does Captain America have frostbite anywhere untoward? I don't have answers for any of these, but we can all rest easy knowing that you should never, ever have sex with Spider-Man.
