It was never a real option for me growing up. There are many side effects to having you mom work at your school throughout you life. Its always the classic “Your mom is the best teacher” comment followed up by me explaining just how pissed off this woman can get.
Anyways, among staying late waiting to go home with her, or not being able to ever hide any bad grades or misconducts at school from her, sometimes what really got in my way was the reputation. See, when I was growing up, I had asked to go to counseling, but I was denied this because it would “hurt my moms reputation” and “make us look bad” in front of anyone.
In return, I guess I learned how to internalize issues, and dedicate to distracting myself fully. I never really went through emotional stress until college though. Sure high school and hormones have a way of being a bitch, but the strain on my mind as of late has really done some damage.
Usually it was only salt I needed to heal the wounds, instead of making them worse. Saltwater, sweat and tears. Pump some tunes, give yourself some space to think, and process the troubles in your life. A meditation if you will, although I don’t really know because I’ve never properly meditated before. Smell the salty ocean spray after a workout. Sit by the waves and feel the sun warm your body, as you come to realize what to do about your woes.
Lately it wasn’t enough. It has been a very long time since I have written in my journal, whereas a couple years back I would write in it constantly. That was the first way of blocking some purging that needed to be done. Then after graduation everyone moves away, and seclusion starts to settle in. Life decisions ahead, looking for answers where there was no knowledge. It was enough. It was time.
Self reflection had run its course. I have gone to counseling twice now. Twenty Three years later, and i find myself in front of someone who doesn’t know me, and I have to do all of this catching up to do. I won’t lie, I still have trouble sometimes, where the thoughts and the feelings are overwhelming. But it is good to have a place to purge and to talk out into space and hear the words. its a good reflection, and the answers in this conversation lead to better places. I have a lot to say, for much is in my mind, but I think I am beginning to see the healing coming down the road, and I am holding my thumb out waiting for a ride. ~ad astra ultraque
