To us, it’s normal. It's normal to be stared at in public, it's normal to catch glares in restaurants and it's normal to hear whispers that hide in the shadows of Target and Walmart. To our family, this is everyday life with Jonathan.

Jonathan is an interesting case, to say the least. He was the baby that was dropped. Literally, dropped. This young boy, burdened with noticeable autism and mental retardation, presents to the world an alien of sorts, I suppose. Jonathan is severely autistic. Ranging from larger impairments like Kanners autism, Tourette syndrome and Post-traumatic stress disorder to the less detrimental impairments like dyslexia, dyspraxia and global anxiety disorder, Jonathan’s life defines neurological mayhem. These are just a few of his diagnosed conditions.

Life with Jonathan, while burdening and complex, has actually been a gift, contrary to common assumption. It’s humbled our family. I feel as though many families would agree that dealing with their son/daughter or brother/sister with autism is always a learning journey. If you have a child, sibling, or even a friend, with any form of autism, the following points might be helpful to consider.

You’re their hero.
My mom told me, “You’re Jon’s hero” all the time and I would think, “Whatever, I’m just one guy in his life.” To that person, you might be one of the only people invested in their life. To them, the home is their city. The family is their network. Small vacations are their grandest adventures. Understand this bears some responsibility with the role because they look to you for close to everything: for loving support, for acknowledgment, for a smile…

Be understanding of odd sensory needs.
What is just some solid bass to you might be ear-bursting blasts of sound to them. What a gust of wind feels like to you might feel like hailstones ricocheting against their skin. If we could live one day locked in their minds and undergo the same sensory overload they experience on a daily basis, treatment towards them would take a radical turn. Autism has an interesting way of causing under - or over - reactionary behaviors, and often the movements or sounds generated by autistic individuals are responses to certain environmental stimulations. If we could fully grasp the state-of-mind they exist with, questioning why they only eat specific foods would be answered, expecting them to complete normal tasks in normal time would never be an expectation and trying to suppress a reactionary behavior through force would never occur.

Regression should not be met with aggression.
This might be harder to consider because it is incredibly easy to do. If you’re not familiar with what regression means for an individual with autism, it’s basically the “return to a former or earlier state [of mind],” according to The Free Dictionary.com. To expand on this, anyone can regress. However, we’ll focus on regression in correlation to autism. Usually, the source of mental regression is trauma during development, which causes indescribable stress, or illness, like Alzheimer’s disease. Unfortunately, when stress or anxiety reaches an incomparable level, it triggers a mental defense mechanism that force-disposes stress and anxiety. Sadly, it often trashes memories or learned information as well. This may come as a surprise, but due to unique sensory overload or trauma, it can be easier for autistic individuals to regress. I type all of this to help you better understand why it is harder for autistic individuals to retain information or skills. When one forgets a skill or cognitive ability, it bewilders us, because it is quite simple for a normal mind to remember a single action or cognitive skill. Our responses to forgotten facts or lost skills should not be fueled by impatience or ignorance to conditional restrictions, but rather, through gracious guidance.

If you would like to better understand the devastation early trauma or mistreatment can do to someone, check out Dr. Kathleen J. Moroz’s article covering the effects of psychological trauma by clicking here.

Acceptance
Stinging rejection is a common pain for individuals with autism. Brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, we need to accept them every day as they are. Accept that they have autism because fighting the idea for any reason will always cast a veil over love. For so long, I wanted to believe I could change Jonathan’s impairments through customary, external behavioral correction, but I was wrong. I rejected the idea that Jonathan was bound by something uncontrollable, and acted like he could master his mind with enough effort. This is impossible, my friends. If we follow suit and treat each mind as redeemable in the name of social regularity, we’ve mentally eliminated the admitted distinction that modified treatment is necessary. Let’s help guide ethical actions after we’ve decided to love them how they are. We cannot support moral behaviors by yelling at them to be quiet in public, by harshly whispering, “STOP” when they misunderstand or by shelling out sharp anger over incompetence.

For the sake of clarification, I don’t know your case. I’m not aware of your family or financial situations. I don’t know the child, sibling or friend you think about when reading this. Whether they’re independent or dependent, mild or severe, a savant or socially anxious… it can still be helpful to consider these points. It surely has helped my relationship with Jonathan.

For those intertwined with autism in any shape or form: Let’s model love before modifying action.

For a better understanding of Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD), click here.

For personal and applicable advice about your child, sibling or friend with autism, check out Insight For Living’s Reframing Ministries by clicking here.