I Could Not See Myself In The Future

I graduate college in less than a month. I get my degree in Pre-Law Political Science from Campbell University. But guess what? I honestly thought I wouldn’t make it.

We’ve all heard or thought that right? That we wouldn’t be able to finish our undergraduate. That maybe we couldn’t see ourselves spending four years taking classes to finally finish something you’ve worked so hard for. Let me tell you a secret that I haven’t told anyone else, a very vulnerable secret… I couldn’t see myself walking across that stage and receiving my diploma, but not in the way you think.

I never saw myself dropping out of college or transferring schools. I seriously could not see myself after freshman year. It is difficult to explain but let me try. In life we can see ourselves getting married, having kids, having a pet, buying a house, and what not. I couldn’t see any of that. I honestly could not see myself after freshman year of college.

I was not thinking of hurting myself but I think my anxiety got to me quite a bit. I think my mind played tricks on me to the point that I was destroying my future before it even started. It was like I could see myself completing freshman year and that was it… I couldn’t see myself past that anywhere or anyplace. It was frustrating and scary. My anxiety kept me up at night trying to figure out why I could only see myself completing freshman year and then nothing else.

I tried to not let it destroy me. I went through my freshman year paranoid at myself; my thoughts. Once I completed freshman year I figured that was it. This was the end since my mind was telling me it was. But guess what? It wasn’t.

I am now about to graduate college. I have gone four years with my anxiety that I try not to mention or even speak out. I have gone four years not being able to see myself finish it out. I have gone four years without a true “plan”. Man, has it been a good four years.

As I sit here and write this, I should be writing a paper that I cannot see myself completing, but I will. We don’t always need to know where we are going or what the “plan” is. Our anxiety might get the best of us, but please do not let it overtake you. I still to this day cannot see myself buying a house, having kids, or even getting married (even though it’s less than 50 days away). I’ve learned to take each day at a time and not try and see myself in the future. You truly never know what it will hold and being paranoid about it only makes it worse.