LOS ANGELES, CA - Despite the best attempts of a sleuthy customer, local 7-11 Employee Ronald Burbannis told reporters today that he was “fully aware” of the box of cherry-flavored, ultra-ribbed STD-prevention devices purchased alongisde $17 worth of home improvement magazines.
“I’m not really sure what the point was, at some point I’m going to have to scan the box,” stated Burbannis, who continued, “to be honest, I thought he might just be a little too into Good Housekeeping.” Burbannis was also taken aback by the customer’s apparent need for secrecy regarding his sexual life in particular.
“He came in after Thanksgiving last year and proudly bought enough laxatives to kill a horse like it was his god-given right,” Burbannis recalled. “But one box of condoms and suddenly he’s trying to sneak it into some tabloids?”
Burbannis’ case is not an isolated one. Gas station clerks around the country report being “totally unfazed” by the myriad of objects people purchase in an attempt to distract from material proof of their inevitable sexual deviancy. “Lighters, cartons of milk, you name it,” stated Jedd Holloway, a clerk at a Cisco in Jacksonville, Florida. “People will buy anything to convince themselves we don’t know they’re about to get their dicks wet.”
Exceptions do exist, however. Holloway recalls one such exception from his recent memory: “Last week some kid came in here with all his friends, couldn’t have been older than 16. He kept insisting he needed the biggest kind we had, but he came back the next day with the unopened box for a refund.”
