On June 21, 2016, I lost a very significant person in my life: my Grandmother. She has always been close to me and lived with me for the past five years. Her passing has left a deep impact on my family and me. Unfortunately, we all have to deal with this at some point in our lives, whether it be a family member, close friend, or even a pet (yes, even they are viewed like family). This process is never a simple one, however we must find a way to overcome the anguish, because it can severely affect our mental health, relationships and stability.
Grieve: Defined as “To cause (someone) to feel sad or unhappy; to cause to suffer” (Merriam-Webster). Many think this is primarily shedding tears at a funeral or just feeling a little down, as seen in movies. Nevertheless, grief itself is an emotional and painful trial. There are numerous feelings that come along with this: anger, guilt, shock, fear, etc. It can cause a person to think they are losing their mind and even question religious beliefs. In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross developed a model called The 5 Stages of Grief. This includes:
Denial: "This isn't happening. This can't be happening."
Anger: "How could this happen to my family? It's someone's fault!"
Bargaining: "What do I have to do to make this stop?"
Depression: "I can't do anything to help. I have no motivation because i'm so upset. I give up on everything."
Acceptance: "Everything is going to be okay. I may not be fully happy, but I am at reconciliation with this."
Grieving allows us to understand the loss of a loved and not necissarily be okay with it, but tolerate it knowing they are in a better place.
“The pain will go away quicker if you ignore it”- MYTH: Trying to push away what you are feeling will only make it a hundred times worse later on. Eventually, all that pain will build up and cause one to breakdown or even have a panic/anxiety attack. It is unhealthy to be feeling hurt and distraught, while trying to cover it up. Face your emotions, go along with them and deal with them. It will leave you feeling a whole lot more content in the long run.
Do not let others tell you how you should feel: You are your own person. Everyone deals with these sorts of things differently. Even though there will be many people telling you, “You need to be strong.” There’s no need to put on a brave front. It’s perfectly okay to show your sadness, and let your emotions run freely. However, just because you do not cry or you may keep to yourself, does not mean you do not care. Like said before, everyone handles these situations in a different manner, and may show it in other ways.
Get Support: Try not to isolate yourself, as this could make the process of understanding what is going on a lot more harsh. Surround yourself with family and friends, since they are mourning too. They also lost someone, and they are here for you. If you have religious or spiritual beliefs, turn to your faith. This can help you find closure and acceptance. Lastly, therapy and/or a support group couldn’t hurt. If you feel you need to seek help, do so. Counseling or being around others who have similar experiences can make coping run smoother.
“I do accept what happened, but I miss them”: Unfortunately, the feeling of missing a loved one who has passed, will never go away. It’s vital to not be saddened by no longer having their presence, but to be refreshed by holding on to their memory. Make a memory box, bulletin board, or a scrapbook. Remember the good times you had with them, how much fun you had together, and how happy they made you. It helps me to keep in mind that my grandmother had a long 83 years on earth that was filled with love from family and friends, traveling and unforgettable experiences. Not to mention, I learned so much from her that I could never learn from anyone else. Chose some of your favorite moments that you shared with this person and remember what you loved about them.
Something that helps me cope everyday is reassuring myself, “My grandma is now happy, healthier than ever, and with her other loved ones who previously left this earth. Would she want me to be sad? Not at all, she's overjoyed to be in heaven, hence I am pleased for her.”
Rest in peace Nana Joan, November 14, 1932 - June 21, 2016
