It was a warm spring afternoon and I had just left early from school. I reckon I was in the fifth grade and at that time, there were only eight of us, cousins, from my father’s side of the family. We have all been waiting to see the new edition to the family. I was walking home with my grandma and like a random surprise, I see my aunt, not in a hospital gown and she tells me that “he is in the bedroom.”
Here he was, a tiny, little, muñeca (doll). I was nine, soon to be ten, making me a decade older than him. My now, ten-year-old cousin, we call Jon, short for Jonathan, or “ah B,” short for baby in Cantonese, rarely spent time with me when I started intermediate and high school. However, as soon as I started college, the times I spent at home meant more time I spent with him.
On a normal day, I do my own thing and he does his own thing. For instance, I would study and read and at the meantime, he would be playing with his action figures or is at the park with my uncle or his friends. On day when I would take breaks from studying, we would bake cookies and cupcakes, take long walks around the neighborhood, or just talk about life.
Recently, I began to have a slight interest towards a friend of mine and I needed advice on how to approach this mini dilemma of mine. Coincidentally, I was “baby-sitting” Jon and in this conversation something enlightening happened. The conversation sounded something like this:
Me:
Jon, do you like a girl?
Jon:
No, I don’t like a girl (smiling shyly away)
Me:
No… (in disbelief), you don’t like a girl, I don’t believe it.
Jon:
Fine, I do like a girl.
Me:
If you were to tell her that you like her, how would you do it?
Jon:
I don’t want to have a girlfriend though.
Me:
But let’s say you want to really be with this person, what would you say to them?
Jon:
I guess just politely ask them to hangout with you.
Something as simple as simply asking a person politely to “hangout” with you is nerve wrecking. I’m the typical person who constantly overthinks all situations and I will never stop thinking until my feelings are resolved, but there is also this fear or rejection, whether or not we care or couldn’t care less about confessing your feelings towards a person.
Something as simple as simply asking a person, politely, to “hangout” with you is nerve wrecking, and I’m the type of person who would constantly overthink and imagine a few, if not, multiple, scenarios of the endless outcomes of how the other person would react to when I confess to them. I don’t stop thinking like this until my feelings are resolved, but the fear of rejection holds me back.
One of the many things I admire about my cousin is his fearlessness with showing his feelings and affection. This is the one thing I hope that he doesn’t lose when venturing out into this world that is filled will pressure from society.
