You might have life in a perfect box, all organized and constructed to fit in your cozy comfort zone. However, the only thing you can ever experience is confined to happen within those walls. Every other opportunity and relationship is out of reach and can never be grasped as reality.

This is how I used to be. Instead of being open, I trusted only a few people with select parts of me. I was afraid of letting my imperfections be seen so I didn't get close enough to be found out. I didn't see the point of hanging out with strangers just for fun because that would require spontaneity. Not only did I hold out on those I didn't find a point in investing in, lest things not work out, I restricted myself from those close to me.

I didn't ask people over too much in fear of having to entertain them. I was careful not to laugh "too much" or say the wrong things and I was often quiet when I actually had lots to offer. I refused to let guys I dated dump me because I wanted to be the one with the power. I was terrified of being hurt or feeling weak. Conversations that went beyond friendliness and dove into my personal life made me squirm. I did not like being asked questions I couldn't give vague answers to.

Being in the open scared me. Fear of judgement and criticism had me tied down. To make myself feel in control, I made lists of everything. What I wanted to do that day and week, goals, things to buy, ways to improve myself, and a million sublists. I couldn't go anywhere without doing my makeup, fixing my hair, and having plenty of notice. I had to feel my best and be in a confident mood to go out without putting up a fight. New experiences stressed me out and left me paralyzed.

Suddenly, I was choking on the control I thought had always protected me. As I started researching and grabbing every resource I could find, I started trying to "fix" myself. What I found is that I was again trying to control my anxiety and manage the symptoms! I still had yet to dive into the root problem. Now I realize it was a matter of vulnerability. Or rather, a lack of it.

Since this realization, I've started talking to strangers more, giving compliments, stating my opinion, and finding ways to step further from my box. It's not guaranteed that everyone will like me or that every attempt to put myself out there will be a success but that's not what I am using to measure my improvement. It's never been about other people, life is only based on the quality I assign to it. Letting go is not for anyone but me and every time I do something that scares me, I get a little braver and stronger.

To free yourself from the lie of control, you must realize that hiding from negative emotions only numbs your ability to experience happiness. If you run from chaos, messiness, and disappointment, how can you expect to ever run into pleasure, excitement, and bliss. You can't be happy without having experienced sadness. There wouldn't be true love without the possibility of rejection. You wouldn't appreciate success if failure didn't exist.

You have to let yourself be seen. It's scary and it's a risk but I've learned that vulnerability never equals weakness. Have the courage to stand tall with your arms wide open to life.